•Tender Mercies & Our Struggles•

David A. Bednar hit it right on the head. Peyton is a miracle! I have said it before & I will say it a million times. That poor baby was barely surviving in my belly. It breaks my heart to admit that to a family member let alone the whole blogging world. He is one of my tender mercies. To the world he is a rare baby who has a condition not known to many, to me he is my lifesaver & miracle. He was sent to us to teach us as his parents to love more, live fully & forget the small problems. I, as his mommy & main caregiver was taught how to take care of him. That's a lot of organization. If you know me at all, I am anything but organized. I forget a lot of things, I put things in a spot I promise to remember & forget where that spot was. I am NOT a perfect mom. I could sit here & give you a bullet point list of all the things I do wrong on a daily basis..... but I'm not going to. Peyt was sent to me to tell me that I was special enough to God to be rewarded with this special & loving baby who needed to be taken care of in just a way that I could. On one of my blog posts comments a person I admire more than they know said this to me,

"These experiences change us and you will see the world from a different perspective because of it. But most of all, we are learning the lessons that God wants us to learn. Rejoice in the small victories, things that mean very little to mothers of "normal" kids are a huge deal to us parents to have kids with issues. And most of all, consider yourself privileged that God held you and Trevor in such high esteem that he was willing to entrust one of his most special children with you. You are now a member of a very "elite" club, which comes with a high price, but with unimaginable blessings! Let me be the first to welcome you :) I know you will find that happy place...just give it some time."

I will hold those words close to my heart forever!! When I heard these words I thought to myself how strong I needed to be not only for myself, but for my family & most importantly for Peyton. It is definitely no joke that babies feed off negativity. Once I realized that I needed to change my "poor pity me" attitude, Peyton started to drastically get better. He was gaining weight faster, eating better, & reacting to his meds better. Positivity is everything in the NICU even though it's one of the most depressing places. We received so much help from our friends, money, clothes for Peyton, & most of all the love, faith & prayers from everyone. It made Peyton's 73 day stay at PCMC a little less stressful. Never once did I feel like it wasn't going to be ok. Every night I would pray that Peyt would stay stable, my other boys would know how much we loved them but needed to be with Peyton as much as we could & that we, as husband & wife, could stay strong together. Yes Peyton had his daily struggles, as did Trev & I but we made it! We are home & we are happy!

There comes a time when those happy moments can turn into the hardest times & hard to get through. Having a newborn is never easy...for anyone. Having a newborn with diabetes seems to me, just a little harder. Some nights I would put Peyton to sleep with his sugars in the 80's, that makes me so nervous. It doesn't seem low but I give him insulin at night sometimes that kicks in & he drops. We can correct highs, lows can be life-threatening. I have never understood a diabetics mind with lows until now. Sugars can be so up & down & you just never know what you can wake up to. It is a constant worry. On the 11th we withheld his Lantus. For three days Peyton stayed stable & in a good range. The morning of the 15th I had such a pit in my stomach. Peyton had been extremely fussy the night before his dr.'s appointment & I chalked it up to colic because I had checked him & he was in good range. I told his pediatrician how fussy he had been, he did a quick check up & confirmed we had an ear infection in the right ear & an infection starting in the left. MOM FAIL. Seriously my baby who already goes through so much has to be circumcised & start antibiotics for ear infections. So that night his sugars rose to 266. Not to high but enough to get his Humalog (fast acting) & make him feel a little better. You never realize the sugars unless you are a die hard fitness guru or your a diabetics parent. We all knew he would soar high with the meds. It's still stressful even if you foresee it happening. This week has been one of my toughest mommy weeks. Peyton has been non stop crying, the boys don't understand he gets sad when they are loud & Trevor is on night shift. It is so hard to contain & shush my kid until he wakes up. I have never had such a fussy baby. I haven't done laundry, dishes have piled more than once & I'm lucky if I get in the shower or dressed for the day. Life is not a cup of tea. Life is hard. Life knocks you down sometimes. God is bigger. He has so many plans for our family & we have so many blessings to be so extremely thankful for!!!
Trev Ky Kam Carter Wyatt & Peyton