Monday, November 3, 2014

• Advocate or Hypocrite •

I feel like I don't express myself well. I am most of the time a blubbering idiot. I can't control myself when I'm trying to tell people how I feel.

Ever since I can remember I have been emotional. I get it from my momma! & ever since I can remember I have been hard headed, stubborn &.... a people pleaser. A little indifferent right!? Being as stubborn as I am, I should be fine to tell people how I do things & take nothing less! I am a big talker... It eats me ALIVE when I upset people or I don't do things the way someone thinks I should.

I can remember back to high school thinking life is going to be so easy. I am going to find someone to take care of me & our future family. I was happy & proud of everything in my life.

Well... Life truly starts after you become an 18 year old adult. I was faced with the reality of car payments, rent, a job,preparing my own meals ( cause heaven knows you can't eat out every meal, every day). I wasn't proud anymore. I was struggling.

I found the only person(outside my parents & siblings) I feel truly understands & loves every aspect of ME! Which is a miracle in its own. It's not easy living with me..

I always knew I was going to have babies. I grew up taking care of my baby sister & brother & babysitting. I went to college & found a job with kids... I love them! Other people's kids...

Now PLEASE don't take that outta context!

I love my kids & I will do ANYTHING in my power for them.
I just never knew the way my thinking & hormones would become so different after having them. I also never thought I would be the one to be on the "crazy pill". It just wasn't in my cards... Or so I thought.

So am I an advocate or a hypocrite?

I try to avoid the fact I'm on my meds. I don't talk about it. Or I laugh it off & make it seem like it's joke.

The sad truth is it's not a joke. I have had a problem coming to terms with it since Carter. Some of it comes from moving away from my mom shortly after having him, but to look on the bright side I moved within 20 minutes of my sweet angel Grandma! My papa, aunts & uncle were right there to help at a whim! It's not like I moved three states away with no help. Nonetheless it must had hit me hard, or now that I think about it that was a HARD, TOUGH, HEARTBREAKING reality check when I realized my grandma was in serious pain. She was dying & there was nothing anyone could do. I spent one year with her, Going every day that she felt ok for company. I miss her. She was one of my best friends & biggest supporters.

Is that why I started to feel so down about things? I know one thing is that is WHEN it started. & it has gotten worse since having a baby become a NICU graduate. I know there could be worse & that little teething, screaming, drool monster could have had a total different outcome with his life. But to say it has been easy for us since his diabetes went away would be a complete lie. I haven't experienced a colicky & demanding child until Peyt. & I feel like a brand new mom when I do most things with him. Life is & always will be a harsh reality.

I wake up, get outta bed & live because of those 3 cute little faces I wake up to everyday. I do the things a regular stay at home mom does.

But it's not who I am. I have post partum depression that I feel has turned into post traumatic stress. I experience anxiety. I experience bouts of tears, bouts of anger, & as much as people don't think I do.. bouts of laughter. I do enjoy life.

It's just sometimes that depression sneaks up on me & pulls me back in. Slowly but surely. & when it pulls it doesn't let up.

So the answer to the question... advocate or hypocrite?

I choose to avoid it. I choose to ignore it. & I choose to receive the consequences for it.

What do I want to be?

I want to help others. I want to live knowing others like me. I want people to know they don't have to be alone. & I want to lean on others who KNOW what I'm feeling. I know it's the right thing to do. Seek help & let others help me sort this out.

That does not always mean it's easy.


  1. I appreciate someone willing to talk about it. Depression is as real as the sun! It's not fun and plainly it bites. I'm sorry you are dealing with it, just remember you're not alone!! Good luck with your cute kiddos!!

  2. Kylie, I think you are a hero for sharing your story and definitely think of yourself as an advocate. You have been through crazy amounts of stress! Just having a baby can throw you out of whack, throw into that a sick baby, nicu and recovery from birth and it's a lot to take, and even debilitating. Women really can suffer from post traumatic stress after difficult birth experiences or baby experiences. I am so sad for what you have had to go through. It is a horrible to feel dark, hopeless and alone. Only Heavenly Father knows why you are on this path right now and I do know that He always wants us to succeed, not to fail. I know sometimes God's timeline isn't even close to our own, but I hope in time that the sunshine will break through the clouds and you can feel that light. It's hard sometimes to see that, especially in the depths of despair and anxiety, but it's there. Prayers for you Kylie, you are doing an amazing work and even though you may not see it, you are making a great impact and are inspiring to many. This is from one of my favorite talks that really hit me,
    " Trust in God. Hold on in His love. Know that one day the dawn will break brightly and all shadows of mortality will flee. Though we may feel we are “like a broken vessel,” as the Psalmist says, 10 we must remember, that vessel is in the hands of the divine potter. Broken minds can be healed just the way broken bones and broken hearts are healed. While God is at work making those repairs, the rest of us can help by being merciful, nonjudgmental, and kind." President Jeffrey R. Holland, "Like a Broken Vessel"

  3. I loved your post and your honesty. I have gone through most of the same things! It is comforting to know that someone shares the same feelings. I had post partum depression after I had Cole and it took me 3 months to admit that that was what it really was and to seek help. (I grew up in a family that believes depression isn't real.) I feel blessed to have healthy kids that didn't go through anything like what you have with Peyton but these twins have sometimes pushed me over the edge :) One particularly bad day I found this quote on the dresser in the babies room: "You are doing God's work. You are doing it wonderfully well. He is blessing you, and He will bless you, --even--no, - especially-- when your days and your nights may be most challenging. Like the woman who anonymously, meekly, perhaps even with hesitation and some embarrassment, fought her way through the crowd just to touch the hem of the Master's garment, so Christ will say to the women who worry and wonder and weep over their responsibility as mothers, 'Daughter, be of good comfort; thy faith hath made thee whole' And it will make your children whole as well." - Jeffrey R. Holland -
    I have no idea where the quote came from but it was there when I needed it. I don't know you very well but I think you have done so amazing with your boys. Maybe we can become good friends as our boys go to school together :)