• Anaphylactic Shock & My Best Friend •

I take him for granted sometimes.

I fight with him & scream at him. 

But 110% of the time I love him so much & I am so glad I married him. 

You know how they always talk about those forks in your road, one bad, one good! Yeah I've experienced that major fork in the road. Marry someone who has a baby boy... Or leave him, someone who loves me unconditionally??

I chose that first one & I don't know what I ever could have done without him. He has done so much for me, for our boys, for everyone around him. He will be the first one to help in time of need! 

I needed him last night. I was 20 minutes into my workout & I started to experience what I now know is a severe allergic reaction. To what? I have no idea. I laid on my yoga mat, that I've been on a million times, & 10 minutes later, my hands itched, my feet itched, I was getting upset with my kids. I was turning into one crazy, scared, & panicked mama. I had no idea what was going on until I broke out & my sister talked me into going to the emergency room ( after Trev had tried so hard to get me to go. ) He of course sped, but got me to the hospital as quick & safe as he could. I was scared, serious panic attack mode. The nurse confirmed anaphylactic shock... It sounds so scary.

Bottom line: HE IS MY BEST FRIEND. HES AMAZING! HE LOVES ME UNCONDITIONALLY! 

• A Mothers Love •

My husband showed me this video of Marc Mero & his mothers love! I cried my eyes out! It was absolutely heartbreaking to hear how much he had put his mom through & yet amazing because of the love she had for him, she never gave up on him! Do you have anyone like that in your life, even though you have messed up multiple times? 

I remember bits and pieces of high school really well. There are lots of memories with my dance team & then there is one distinct memory with my mom. I battled an undiagnosed eating disorder for most of JH/HS. My mom & dad found out because of a girl at school snitching on me, while I was puking after lunch. I wasn't very sneaky in JH!  I learned a little better (or so I thought) & gave up the bulimia & took on anorexia. It was much quieter & a lot more easy to hide. My mom soon found out, but by that point I was deep in it & around 100 lbs. I felt good. I was still dancing at my top potential & excelling in school! I wasn't hurting anyone, according to my me. My mom knew I was dying inside. She never once "punished" me because of it. She knew that wasn't going to do any good. She was my biggest supporter. I was confident in telling her how I felt. She did lots of research where to send me for therapy. Living in a small town & a dad who was a farmer, we didn't have the money to go somewhere like that. I felt like I wasn't that severe of a case to go to rehab. So I sought out my school counselor & she definitely helped me get through high school! My mom never gave up on me. She has helped through some of my toughest moments as a wife & as a mom. She will always be there for me & never look down on me. I love her so much! 

• Everything Happens For A Reason •

Welcome to the first of my 30 posts of July! I had the opportunity to connect with lots of other bloggers, one specific who set the group up, and I'm so excited to get back on the blog train! I've missed it. 

So I'd like to give an introduction first, I've had a lot of new followers on my Facebook page! My name is Kylie Mecham. I'm married to the love of my life, he gives me so much love! I also am a mama & step mama to 4 little boys! My youngest was born with a rare genetic disorder that caused him to be born with diabetes, it's now gone but will be back later in life. He spent 73 days in SLC, UT at Primary Children's Hospital. It was the hardest trial I've been through as a mom since becoming one 5.5 years ago. I love blogging. I love fitness. I have found it makes me focus on my life a little better. I can take out my stress on fitness & I love writing about real & raw things. It makes me feel like I'm connecting with people! 

It's funny how your life changes once you become a mom. In high school I thought life was hard, it was the easiest 4 years of my life. I thought I would never become the crazy girl, or the one who couldn't lose the baby weight. I became both. I started out with just a small bout of PPD after having my first baby, but with each one it got worse. I didn't realize, and neither did anyone else, that I was having problems until a couple months after my second baby. My mood swings were uncontrollable, my relationships with my husband, kids, & others was deteriorating & I was heartbroken. I didn't know what to do or how to fix it. I finally went to the doctor & the medicine really helped. And then Peyt came along, long story short, easy pregnancy, no problems & then my repeat c-section brought a tiny 3 lb 15 oz baby boy in my life. & he was sick. Very sick. & I was right back into that PPD except this time being in a major hospital & having the monitors constantly going off I developed some PTSD to go along with it. I was a mess. We brought him home like I said after 73 days & at times I had no idea what I was doing. I just continued to spiral downhill & it was awful. I started working out after Peyt turned one & it's been my saving grace since. I have such better days when I get that fast 30 minute workout in! It's true when they say you get much happier from exercising. 

I can't help wonder what my life would have been like had I not been a hormonal wife or mom. Would my boys have a normal, happy childhood? When they get older, will they remember that year they're mom went bat shit crazy? It's a huge blessing that had family & a husband who believed & loved me enough to stick with me. Everything happens for a reason. I firmly believe you are given trials to lead you to your next road in life, good or bad. You just need to live your life according to YOU! No worrying about what everyone else thinks. 

I hope to really get this blog going with this fun challenge! I have so many ideas & so much to say... 

STAY TUNED!

• Mothers Day 2015 •

So of course here I am at 11:30 finally sitting down to write a post on some of the most influential woman of my life! I never realized how hard it is to be a mom until I became one 5 years ago! It's amazing to me that life flies right by & you never truly know what's coming next! 

• My # 1 •

My mom has taught me everything I know! I am amazed at what she went through as a young mom & made it out alive with us all well brought up! She sacrificed a lot to stay home with us as kids! I'm so glad she taught me how to be a mom! She taught me to be strong, compassionate & loving! She taught me patience, heaven knows I need all the help I can get! She has been here for my family no matter what! She took care of my older boys when Peyt was in SLC & I never had any fear that my boys weren't ok! They love their Grandma Kellee! Carter would live there if I'd let him! 

• Trevs # 1 •

Grandma Nancy is always so fun with the kids! She loves to be around her family! She raised the man I love so very much! She taught him how to be a gentlemen & an amazing dad! She taught him to always take care of his family first & he is so amazing at that! I am so glad they are always willing to step in to help us kids when we need it! My boys love their Grandma Nancy! I'm so glad my boys will always have an amazing relationship with her! She is so thoughtful & loving! She is always putting us before her needs! 

• My Angel •

I honestly can't believe we have survived this long without her. Grandma Vicki was one of the most amazing, selfless, loving, kind, big hearted woman I have ever known. She taught my mom how to be an amazing mom & she taught me how to love unconditionally. My grandma never EVER complained about her life. She was dealt such a hard one the last few years of her life. She was so amazingly strong! She fought hard to stay as long as she did. I always know if there is something I need help with I can turn to her! She visits in dreams often. Random memories will pop into my head when I need them the most! I know she had a part in helping Peyt pick us as his parents, she knew I needed him just as much as he would need me! I love & miss her so very much! 

• My # 1 Sister •

I'm so proud to say she is my sister! She is an amazing mom to Kasleigh & I can't wait for her to bring Harleigh into this world tomorrow! She is so sweet & loving to my boys! There is no way we could have survived our SLC stay without her. She got Carter to school & made sure that Wyatt was taken care of until Grandma took over! She is a lifesaver!

• The Boys That Made Me A Mom & Step-Mom•

These 4 give me so much joy! I never knew I could love someone as much as I do those boys! They are the reason I get up every morning & drive myself to be better each day! They are the most hilarious & entertaining wilds I've ever met! They give me so much hope for our future life. I know they will be some of the best behaved boys because they are part of the best line of women I've met! They are so amazing & sometimes it's hard to let go of them! 

Happy Mothers Day to all the sweet moms in my life! I love you all!! 

• Tuesday Talk •

I am doing Tuesday Talk a little late tonight. It's been a rough day with my wilds! I seen this story about a mom who wrote about that one question everyone asks when you tell them it's a boy for the third time, you'll have try for a girl for your fourth right!? 

I joke about it all the time. Someone says to me "you gotta try for a girl right!?" I usually say something like, not if my dr did his job! Because with my last babe I had a repeat C-section & got a tubal as well. It's fine to fake it while your standing face to face with someone, but deep down it always gets to me for a minute. 

Are my cute boys not enough for you?

Am I not good enough to be a boy mama?

Are you going to make me re-think about the fact that I won't ever have cute bows & dance outfits on my little girl?

I have already thought about those things! 1) my boys are adorable 2) I'm an amazing sidekick to those ninja's & superheroes & 3) I do NOT have the patience for a little girl! I would love to have a tiny dancer but it's not for me! 

It makes me sad to think that having all boys is something to dread. Yes, my boys have the nickname "The Wilds" & they live up to it every single day. Not a day goes by that I don't thank God for my boys. I thank Him for giving me boys that have good manners (on most days). I thank Him for little boys who tell me on some my very worst days that I'm the most beautiful mommy in the whole big world! 

I would NEVER trade my blues for pink any day. 

I look forward to watching my boys play sports with their dad & to see that twinkle in Trevs eye when he's proud of the way they're learning or succeeding in life. 

I look forward to watching my boys pick the person they will fall in love with & be the best husband & dad because they learned from some of the best men I know! & then I will get the best daughters I could ask for because my boys chose them! 

I will always be a boy mom & I will never have any fear of that! I am so thankful that these boys give me hope & an amazing reason to live this life & have fun. They have taught me fun! They have taught me to live in the moment no matter where or what. They have taught me unconditional love. I am a proud Stay At Home Boy Mom! 

• Life Lately •

I have been extremely MIA from this blog!! We haven't been that exciting but... There have been a few moments! 

Trev & I

• Trev is still working at Kiewit, but he runs the dozer instead of driving a truck now!! & got a pay raise! 

• I am still livin it up as a stay at home mama! & working on bettering my health! I am one month free of caffeine with the exception of a few! :/ (no one is perfect!) I am working on losing the baby bulge around my hips with a little Shaun T & Insanity Max 30! I will slowly but surely get there!! 

Kam

• has lost another tooth, that makes 7!

Carter

• is going to be registering for Kindergarten in a couple weeks & I'm in total denial. 

Wyatt

• is POTTY TRAINED!!! Yay! It's been a long 8 months with him! & he is night trained as of today! 

Peyton

• is walking like a pro!

• is eating all sorts of foods & feeding himself (more like shoveling everything in as fast as he can!) 

• got ear tubes to help his ear infections! It has helped those but he's still very stubborn & like only his mama. 

• is a pro cryer! He does it 75% of the day! 

We are looking forward to summertime! They have been teased with good days & then rainy, snowy days! It just needs to be warm! 

We are also taking the boys to a BMX Riot show in a couple weeks. I know they will love it! 

I hope to keep this going again. I hate not posting! Too much to say at times I guess, & not enough time to write it all down! 

Until next time. 

• What If I Can't Enjoy Every Moment •

It's that look I get from complete strangers when they see us with four boys. That, "oh wow you have four boys, enjoy every moment it goes so quickly," comes up & I just nod my head & smile. 

Here’s the thing: I do enjoy this. I do look forward to those snuggling moments. I was the mama rocking her newborn at 3:00am reminding myself to do that very thing: to memorize the ten tiny pounds on my chest, the entire hand that wrapped around my one finger. 

I pay attention to every single moment.  I am aware of the minutes that somehow turn into days, weeks & years, and I love those moments because they define our family.

What about those moments that are hard? What about those minutes you do not cherish and the days that are not precious? What do those criticizing strangers say about those?

Like this weekend when my 7, 5, & 3 year olds would not listen, would not stop tattletaling & would not stop fighting. To top it off I was also dealing with my 1 year old, who has had double ear infections for what I can only bet is 2 months, screaming & clinging to my leg every time I stopped for two seconds. I had finally had enough when two of the three fought & pushed one into the innocent third one knocking him into the bed only to his head. I shut their doors, went into my room & I screamed ," I'm done with you, and promptly shut myself in our bedroom drinking Mt. Dew until I regained my sanity.

Or when we were at Winco & they were fighting over who had to get in & who was holding the sides of the grocery cart, that they ran into the people in front of them, while I was getting something off a shelf, & we got that "take care of your out of control kids" look.

Or during a day that I had gotten 1 hour of sleep the night before & my nerves & anxiety had reach its capacity and I was confronted with two completely demanding toddlers and I screamed Can’t you just go take care of yourself for awhile?!

Or the time that my 5 year old put a hot wheels car in the microwave and pushed start. It started on the microwave on fire & he blamed it on his 3 year old brother. 15 minutes later he copped up to it & you wonder if all that talking about lying & truth telling even made a difference with him. 

What about those moments that are just hard? What do we do then? Is it really even feasible to enjoy those?

Those moments when you feel like a failure of a mother. When you feel like you did not love them nearly as much or you ignored their needs far to much. When your patience slipped, when your words made them tear up & run away. 

But here’s the thing about moments: they have this way of moving. They tick and they flash and they creep by. Every single one of them. These moments are going to happen whether we want them to or not, whether we are ready for them or not. Some are going to be easier to enjoy than others, some are going to sting more than others, some will be more precious than others.

We are trying so very hard to not miss these moments because in our heart of hearts we know that the advice is true: time does fly, moments do pass, we should enjoy these moments. We know that time works on its own schedule, speeding up when we want it to slow down and crawling by when we need it to fly.

But here’s the thing: we’re not going to enjoy every moment. We’re just not. Because being a mama is hard. It just is.

So to the exhausted mamas and the new ones and the barely surviving ones and the sick ones and the obsessive ones and the ones at the end of her rope and the ones surviving on caffeine, forget about trying to enjoy every moment. It will be one more thing you feel like is one of those building blocks of mothrhood. 

Here’s what you need to know instead: you already are a good mother. You love your kids fiercely, and that is what counts.

So what if we reframe the word enjoy? What if instead of trying to enjoy every single moment, we lean into them instead?  What if we learn from those rough patches & be strong. It is an act of bravery in affirming that you are more than the sum of your terrible minutes. It is an act of courage to dig deep into each and every moment even if there are a few thorns.

And so now, when I am confronted with the whining and the bickering and the exhaustion and the worry and the fears threatening to take over, I will look for something new. I will look for what I can embrace within the moment: the chocolate staining her cheek from when she snuck a bite of cookie, new words like appetizer and ridiculous that she tries on for size even though they completely don’t fit, the other one’s new favorite skill of climbing up the frame of the door frames or even just maybe try to laugh instead of cry at how terribly out of control the day has gone.

Because I want to know that I lived completely whole. I want to know that my boys are offered everything, whether it makes a mess or not. Even through these little years that can be so very exhausting. Even through moments that threaten my very sanity. Even then.

And so the next time someone tells you to enjoy this just as you are about ready to scream at somebody, simply smile and say “I will.” And then with every ounce of courage within you: don’t let the hard day win, look for one teeny tiny moment you can grasp within all the crying and screaming & just embrace motherhood and all it entails. 

• Facing Life Guidelines •

First, thank you for your interest in this series. I have never done a series like this but I have also never had a trying year until 2014. I vowed to be an advocate for postpartum depression, PTSD, & special needs babies. Please read my introductory post 

Facing Life: Meeting My "Diabetic" Baby

Here are the guidelines I'd like you to follow. Any questions I can be contacted at my email below or if your FB friends, message me! 

1) If you incorporate your faith into your piece, try to make it general. Many of the readers will be of different faiths, please be sensitive to that. 

2) Length can be a tricky one. I want you to be comfortable enough to share all of your stories and thoughts, but the more to the point you are the better. The goal is to keep the readers interested. 

3) Please email your piece to mecham.ky@gmail.com, along with a recent family photo. If you don't have extras to add, it's ok. If you do have some & know where you want them place,do so & I will post it like that. 

4) I have chosen Facing Life as the series title. Please title your email Facing Life: (your triumph/struggle) ex: Facing Life: Meeting My "Diabetic" Baby. 

5) I would like the last paragraph to be something you've learned along the way of your struggle. Whether it be something about yourself or a way you've learned to cope. 

6) And lastly I would like for you to include all social media links & a small 5-7 sentence bio with a recent family photo! 

This is not a paying job. It is strictly to be personal, raw & real. I want others to know they are not alone. I love reading posts that I can relate to & feeling the emotions they go through. We are a lot stronger than we know. It takes people that know how we feel to lift us up. 

**Update** I've had a lot of people ask if it needs to be new or a previously written post. I need new pieces. If it's previously read, it's not going to reach as many people. 

•The Liebster Award Round 2•

Ahh!!! Another nomination for The Liebster Award, I am so beyond honored & excited that sweetheart Ali at Unrefined Sweet Life loved our blog enough to nominate us!! Thank you!!

I hope I gave different answers than my other post! :/ So enjoy... 

Questions From Ali

1.  Why did you start blogging?

I love to scrapbook but the journal can't always provide the whole story. When I started blogging it was only the big things that we did as a family. Now it's all about our every day lives!

2.  Since beginning your blog, what has been your biggest success?

My biggest succes has been the last month, I began to write from the heart with encouragement from 2 FB groups! They have showed me everyone goes through similar problems! 

3.  Congratulations! You’ve won $5,000 on a scratch off ticket. How will you spend your winnings?

Redo by bathroom or parts of my basement! 

4.  What is your favorite book? Safe Haven Why?

I love Nicholas Sparks! He writes with something I can imagine in my head & it lets me zone out of my crazy boy mama life. 

5.  Describe your style. What are 5 pieces that you think everyone should have in their closet? 

I'm definitely a jean & T-shirt kinda girl!! I think every girl should have a pair of comfy jeans that you can dress up to go out or dress down for a day at home, a pair of black leggings, a cute dolman top, flats to match, & flip flops!!

6. What is your guilty pleasure movie and snack?  

Definitely Burlesque, only because I secretly wish I could do that!! My snack would be Little Debbie Zebra Cakes & Mt. Dew!

7.  If you were making the perfect ice cream sundae, what would it consist of? 

Layered from bottom to top: Brownie, Sliced Bananas, caramel, cookies & cream ice cream, caramel & a maraschino cherry on top!

8.  In a box of 96 crayons, what color would you be? What is the name of the color? (i.e. Macaroni & Cheese Orange) 

Cerulean Blue

9.  Name three things that help get you through the day.

1. Mt. Dew

2. Instagram

3. My boys

10. What is your signature dish to bring to a get-together/party?

Acini De Pepi Salad! We know it as Frog Eye Salad!

11.  Name one milestone (goal) for your blog that you’d like to reach in 2015.

I am hoping to get a series called "Facing Life" started soon! Everyone knows that life is hard & there are lots of people that go through the same thing & my hope is that people can connect through the blog posts. 

Eleven Random Facts 

(1) When I'm stressed or upset to keep from crying I bite my bottom lip. Sometimes so much it bleeds. 

(2) I am the oldest of 3 kids. 1 brother 1 sister

(3) I met my husband on MySpace.

(4) I own a Dodge Grand Caravan! Yup I'm a minivan mom!

(5) When all of my kids are in school, I would like to start a daycare in town.... 5 years down the road!

(6) I've never received a speeding ticket.

(7) I have only dyed my hair once & it was horrid. I will never do it again. I will keep my dark brown! 

(8) Dance was my life in High School, I would love to get back into it. 

(9) We were married only 3 short months before I got pregnant & I'm kinda sad we didn't have longer! God does what needs to happen. 

(10) I started hunting when I was 12. I had to stop when I got pregnant because I was 8 months along when the season came around. My dad didn't want to deliver my baby on the mountain. My husband took over that job!!

(11) I have 1 husband, 3 sons & 1 step-son, 1 Daniff (Great Dane/Mastiff) & 1 Mini-Dachshund 

April at Our Little Loves

Jenn at Good Luck Jenn

Jennifer at A Glimpse Of Our Life

Elizabeth at Chasin' Mason

11 Questions For My Nominees! 

1. Are you a dog or a cat kinda person?

2. What are you most afraid of?

3. Favorite reality show?

4. Best childhood memory.

5. Go to drink or treat when your feeling down about your day? 

6. If your house caught on fire & you could grab 5 things what would they be? 

7. How did you meet your significant other? 

8. You win $500 million, if you would, your choice of donations would be where? 

9. Easiest thing about being a mom/wife? 

10. Hardest thing about being a mom/wife?

11. Who has influenced your life the most & why? 

Thank You again Ali! I'm so excited to have other people love our blog as much as we do!

• Those Nagging Reasons I Didn't Shower Today•

Dear Husband (who works all day only to come to this)

Oh hey, how was work today? I'm sorry you had to come home to me looking the exact same way I did this morning when you left. Oh no wait, my hair was down this morning when you got home it was in the best looking messy bun EVER!! Does that count for something?  I seriously had every intention of cleaning myself up, but well... Here are my excuses...

1.  The baby kept me up & you hogged the blanket! We played tug-o-war with the blanket all night! I made the older two play in their room & watch a movie till the baby woke up just for an extra 45 minutes, which meant I missed that window of opportunity while he was still sleeping!

2. Everyone wanted breakfast, but the regular pop-tart & Paw Patrol just wasn't good enough! So after the cereal was chosen & the milk was poured, I switched a load of laundry & got distracted. 

3. Once I decided to get in I realized I didn't have clean sweats/yoga pants & I didn't want to put on dirty ones so I decided to wait till the laundry was done. 

4. Nap time is usually a good opportunity, but only if the babes decide to cooperate. & they didn't so that one was gone too. 

5. So I decided to attempt to exercise (since I was already in dirty clothes), but the baby just kept crawling on me & the older two kept screaming "incoming" & I was hurrying to get out of the way before I got a kick to the ribs, so I gave up on that one. 

6. & in between all the "5 minute pick ups" today, I barely got the dishes & laundry done! 

7. Then somehow it's 5:00 & your home in an hour. Which means if I didn't get anything out earlier for dinner I better find something quick. Heaven forbids you boys not eat!! 

8. And the messy bun- sweats- no makeup thing is hot right!? Yes I know you think it is!!

9. Besides those baby wipes are good for cleaning. I cleaned my stinky arm pits & put lots of deodorant on. Now I smell like a sweet smelling baby!! Lucky You!!

So instead of looking at me like its the worst horror show you've ever seen, you could handle those wild boys & let me get in & soak in a hot bathtub!! & afterwards we can put the kids to bed & watch our nighttime tv addictions!! Law & Order SVU is screaming our names!!! 

XoXo

Your Hot Mess Of A Wife

• Friday Five •

Five Things I Want My Boys To Know Growing Up

1>> I want them to know that Trevor & I will ALWAYS be someone they can come to. 

2>> I want them to know that school is one of the most important phases of life they will go through. Sometimes it's easy & sometimes it's really hard! It's always worth it. 

3>> I want them to know that family is everything. I want them to be the first ones to stick up for each other no matter the circumstance. I want them to be best friends. 

4>> I want them to do what they love without pressure. I don't want them to do sports or date a girl because someone told them to. I want them to play sports if they have a passion for them & I want them to date girls that intrigue them, not just their physical appearance. 

5>> I want them to have respect & give respect to everyone they meet. Most of all I want them to respect the women who are in their lives, present & future. I want them to understand the word no. I do not want them to make anyone uncomfortable. I want them to live, hope & love. 

• I BELIEVE... •

{ I BELIEVE } your family near and far, will be the ones you will fall back on for comfort. The quote that always hits home

This last year has been one of my toughest. I have been tested in every single one of my roles... As a mom, as a wife, & mostly as the person I always thought I'd be. My family has & always will continue to be there! 

{ I BELIEVE } that if you don't work for what you want, it won't fully be yours. Things are handed out to people so easily now. 12 year olds are getting cell phones... 15 year olds getting new trucks before their license. I love to hear stories from grandparents from their childhood about how hard they worked just to earn $1.00. I look up to the people who have earned everything they own. I grew up doing chores as a child & as soon as I could I got a job. I raised 3 steers & paid for my drill team in high school. I am so very thankful to my parents for installing in my head that working hard will get you what you want. I admire and look up to my dad more than he will ever realize. He is the true definition of a hard worker. He never stops, no matter what. We are raising the boys just the same. They have chores & if they listen the first time, they get what they want. 

{ I BELIEVE } there is a lesson to be learned in every trial we go through. I thought life was falling apart when Peyton was in that ambulance going to Primary Childrens. I honestly felt there was a chance I could lose my baby. Diabetes is not something to be messed with, it has a mind of its own. And every single second I spend with these boys of mine is priceless & should be cherished. I learned that this life with my family needs to be done with love and focus on them. Those messes I want to clean up every 5 minutes show that my boys are enjoying their childhood. They are little boys and they need to have fun. 

{ I BELIEVE } your spouse should always be your best friend. I don't remember this often enough right now. It's true when they say your spouse gets pushed away when kids come into the picture, and it's usually the husband. I'm guilty way to often of this. I'm tired, I need to sleep when they do, you would never survive 2 hours of sleep or the constant crying like I do. My attitude sometime is horrible towards him when he gets home. It's not fair, it's not his fault. We recently went to his work Christmas party. It was so much fun. We rented a room & went out with friends afterwards. It needs to be like that way more often. He knows me inside & out. He is my best friend. I trust him with everything I know & love. He deserves the best. 

{ I BELIEVE } that God does not give us more than we can handle. He has perfect timing & I know this because we were able to stay with Peyton so much. The reasoning. My mom & dad were well on their way to moving to Southern Utah & starting a business and about a month or two before Peyton was born they were told they couldn't get the loan. At the time we as a family were so bummed. When Peyton was born I realized they were needed to stay with my kids & let me lean on them for 2.5 months. He knows what He's doing all the time! 

• Advocate or Hypocrite •

I feel like I don't express myself well. I am most of the time a blubbering idiot. I can't control myself when I'm trying to tell people how I feel.

Ever since I can remember I have been emotional. I get it from my momma! & ever since I can remember I have been hard headed, stubborn &.... a people pleaser. A little indifferent right!? Being as stubborn as I am, I should be fine to tell people how I do things & take nothing less! I am a big talker... It eats me ALIVE when I upset people or I don't do things the way someone thinks I should.

I can remember back to high school thinking life is going to be so easy. I am going to find someone to take care of me & our future family. I was happy & proud of everything in my life.

Well... Life truly starts after you become an 18 year old adult. I was faced with the reality of car payments, rent, a job,preparing my own meals ( cause heaven knows you can't eat out every meal, every day). I wasn't proud anymore. I was struggling.

I found the only person(outside my parents & siblings) I feel truly understands & loves every aspect of ME! Which is a miracle in its own. It's not easy living with me..

I always knew I was going to have babies. I grew up taking care of my baby sister & brother & babysitting. I went to college & found a job with kids... I love them! Other people's kids...


Now PLEASE don't take that outta context!

I love my kids & I will do ANYTHING in my power for them.
I just never knew the way my thinking & hormones would become so different after having them. I also never thought I would be the one to be on the "crazy pill". It just wasn't in my cards... Or so I thought.

So am I an advocate or a hypocrite?

I try to avoid the fact I'm on my meds. I don't talk about it. Or I laugh it off & make it seem like it's joke.

The sad truth is it's not a joke. I have had a problem coming to terms with it since Carter. Some of it comes from moving away from my mom shortly after having him, but to look on the bright side I moved within 20 minutes of my sweet angel Grandma! My papa, aunts & uncle were right there to help at a whim! It's not like I moved three states away with no help. Nonetheless it must had hit me hard, or now that I think about it that was a HARD, TOUGH, HEARTBREAKING reality check when I realized my grandma was in serious pain. She was dying & there was nothing anyone could do. I spent one year with her, Going every day that she felt ok for company. I miss her. She was one of my best friends & biggest supporters.

Is that why I started to feel so down about things? I know one thing is that is WHEN it started. & it has gotten worse since having a baby become a NICU graduate. I know there could be worse & that little teething, screaming, drool monster could have had a total different outcome with his life. But to say it has been easy for us since his diabetes went away would be a complete lie. I haven't experienced a colicky & demanding child until Peyt. & I feel like a brand new mom when I do most things with him. Life is & always will be a harsh reality.

I wake up, get outta bed & live because of those 3 cute little faces I wake up to everyday. I do the things a regular stay at home mom does.

But it's not who I am. I have post partum depression that I feel has turned into post traumatic stress. I experience anxiety. I experience bouts of tears, bouts of anger, & as much as people don't think I do.. bouts of laughter. I do enjoy life.

It's just sometimes that depression sneaks up on me & pulls me back in. Slowly but surely. & when it pulls it doesn't let up.

So the answer to the question... advocate or hypocrite?

Hypocrite...
I choose to avoid it. I choose to ignore it. & I choose to receive the consequences for it.

What do I want to be?

Advocate...
I want to help others. I want to live knowing others like me. I want people to know they don't have to be alone. & I want to lean on others who KNOW what I'm feeling. I know it's the right thing to do. Seek help & let others help me sort this out.

That does not always mean it's easy.

• Family Night •

We decided to start doing a family night once a week. Not necessarily on Monday, just once a week. We chose to go fishing tonight!! It started out fun....













Wyatt was the only one who caught anything! A small bass! He was totally thrilled with himself!!
















We packed a picnic dinner & fished for about an hour & a half. It ended with a sad 4 yr old who caught no fish & a sad baby P who was hungry.

•Tender Mercies & Our Struggles•

David A. Bednar hit it right on the head. Peyton is a miracle! I have said it before & I will say it a million times. That poor baby was barely surviving in my belly. It breaks my heart to admit that to a family member let alone the whole blogging world. He is one of my tender mercies. To the world he is a rare baby who has a condition not known to many, to me he is my lifesaver & miracle. He was sent to us to teach us as his parents to love more, live fully & forget the small problems. I, as his mommy & main caregiver was taught how to take care of him. That's a lot of organization. If you know me at all, I am anything but organized. I forget a lot of things, I put things in a spot I promise to remember & forget where that spot was. I am NOT a perfect mom. I could sit here & give you a bullet point list of all the things I do wrong on a daily basis..... but I'm not going to. Peyt was sent to me to tell me that I was special enough to God to be rewarded with this special & loving baby who needed to be taken care of in just a way that I could. On one of my blog posts comments a person I admire more than they know said this to me,

"These experiences change us and you will see the world from a different perspective because of it. But most of all, we are learning the lessons that God wants us to learn. Rejoice in the small victories, things that mean very little to mothers of "normal" kids are a huge deal to us parents to have kids with issues. And most of all, consider yourself privileged that God held you and Trevor in such high esteem that he was willing to entrust one of his most special children with you. You are now a member of a very "elite" club, which comes with a high price, but with unimaginable blessings! Let me be the first to welcome you :) I know you will find that happy place...just give it some time."

I will hold those words close to my heart forever!! When I heard these words I thought to myself how strong I needed to be not only for myself, but for my family & most importantly for Peyton. It is definitely no joke that babies feed off negativity. Once I realized that I needed to change my "poor pity me" attitude, Peyton started to drastically get better. He was gaining weight faster, eating better, & reacting to his meds better. Positivity is everything in the NICU even though it's one of the most depressing places. We received so much help from our friends, money, clothes for Peyton, & most of all the love, faith & prayers from everyone. It made Peyton's 73 day stay at PCMC a little less stressful. Never once did I feel like it wasn't going to be ok. Every night I would pray that Peyt would stay stable, my other boys would know how much we loved them but needed to be with Peyton as much as we could & that we, as husband & wife, could stay strong together. Yes Peyton had his daily struggles, as did Trev & I but we made it! We are home & we are happy!

There comes a time when those happy moments can turn into the hardest times & hard to get through. Having a newborn is never easy...for anyone. Having a newborn with diabetes seems to me, just a little harder. Some nights I would put Peyton to sleep with his sugars in the 80's, that makes me so nervous. It doesn't seem low but I give him insulin at night sometimes that kicks in & he drops. We can correct highs, lows can be life-threatening. I have never understood a diabetics mind with lows until now. Sugars can be so up & down & you just never know what you can wake up to. It is a constant worry. On the 11th we withheld his Lantus. For three days Peyton stayed stable & in a good range. The morning of the 15th I had such a pit in my stomach. Peyton had been extremely fussy the night before his dr.'s appointment & I chalked it up to colic because I had checked him & he was in good range. I told his pediatrician how fussy he had been, he did a quick check up & confirmed we had an ear infection in the right ear & an infection starting in the left. MOM FAIL. Seriously my baby who already goes through so much has to be circumcised & start antibiotics for ear infections. So that night his sugars rose to 266. Not to high but enough to get his Humalog (fast acting) & make him feel a little better. You never realize the sugars unless you are a die hard fitness guru or your a diabetics parent. We all knew he would soar high with the meds. It's still stressful even if you foresee it happening. This week has been one of my toughest mommy weeks. Peyton has been non stop crying, the boys don't understand he gets sad when they are loud & Trevor is on night shift. It is so hard to contain & shush my kid until he wakes up. I have never had such a fussy baby. I haven't done laundry, dishes have piled more than once & I'm lucky if I get in the shower or dressed for the day. Life is not a cup of tea. Life is hard. Life knocks you down sometimes. God is bigger. He has so many plans for our family & we have so many blessings to be so extremely thankful for!!!
Trev Ky Kam Carter Wyatt & Peyton