• I BELIEVE... •

{ I BELIEVE } your family near and far, will be the ones you will fall back on for comfort. The quote that always hits home

This last year has been one of my toughest. I have been tested in every single one of my roles... As a mom, as a wife, & mostly as the person I always thought I'd be. My family has & always will continue to be there! 

{ I BELIEVE } that if you don't work for what you want, it won't fully be yours. Things are handed out to people so easily now. 12 year olds are getting cell phones... 15 year olds getting new trucks before their license. I love to hear stories from grandparents from their childhood about how hard they worked just to earn $1.00. I look up to the people who have earned everything they own. I grew up doing chores as a child & as soon as I could I got a job. I raised 3 steers & paid for my drill team in high school. I am so very thankful to my parents for installing in my head that working hard will get you what you want. I admire and look up to my dad more than he will ever realize. He is the true definition of a hard worker. He never stops, no matter what. We are raising the boys just the same. They have chores & if they listen the first time, they get what they want. 

{ I BELIEVE } there is a lesson to be learned in every trial we go through. I thought life was falling apart when Peyton was in that ambulance going to Primary Childrens. I honestly felt there was a chance I could lose my baby. Diabetes is not something to be messed with, it has a mind of its own. And every single second I spend with these boys of mine is priceless & should be cherished. I learned that this life with my family needs to be done with love and focus on them. Those messes I want to clean up every 5 minutes show that my boys are enjoying their childhood. They are little boys and they need to have fun. 

{ I BELIEVE } your spouse should always be your best friend. I don't remember this often enough right now. It's true when they say your spouse gets pushed away when kids come into the picture, and it's usually the husband. I'm guilty way to often of this. I'm tired, I need to sleep when they do, you would never survive 2 hours of sleep or the constant crying like I do. My attitude sometime is horrible towards him when he gets home. It's not fair, it's not his fault. We recently went to his work Christmas party. It was so much fun. We rented a room & went out with friends afterwards. It needs to be like that way more often. He knows me inside & out. He is my best friend. I trust him with everything I know & love. He deserves the best. 

{ I BELIEVE } that God does not give us more than we can handle. He has perfect timing & I know this because we were able to stay with Peyton so much. The reasoning. My mom & dad were well on their way to moving to Southern Utah & starting a business and about a month or two before Peyton was born they were told they couldn't get the loan. At the time we as a family were so bummed. When Peyton was born I realized they were needed to stay with my kids & let me lean on them for 2.5 months. He knows what He's doing all the time! 

• Hard Pill To Swallow •

This has been something that I have thought about writing for a long time.

It's not uncommon, but it's a judged subject.

PTSD from having a baby in the NICU is getting more and more common. Anxiety is also a result from a stay.

I remember so vividly everything that happened from February 8- April 22. I am an emotional person. I cry, I scream & I get upset very easily. While Peyton was in Primary's I only cried twice. I never left him & cried & it was questioned a lot.

I can't tell you why I never cried & I will probably never know.

Peyton has been insulin free for 2.5 months. The last 2 months has been constant worry & high anxiety that his diabetes will come back sooner than expected. At his 4 month checkup I worried his sugars would spike from his fever. Of course it hasn't & hopefully it doesn't until 14ish.

At night sometimes I wake up in a panic from dreams that take me back to the morning of Peyton's birth when Trev comes in to tell me that he's only 3 lbs 15 oz. People would say that might be normal & it's ok. It's not ok when your mind throws a curve ball & you also hear him saying they don't expect him to make it through the night...

I panic, wake up in a sweat & have to get up in the middle of the night to check on him & remember that he's ok.

I hear the monitors all the time & my heart rate palpitates when I flashback to the night that his numbers kept rising & we couldn't figure out what was wrong. He stopped breathing twice & I so clearly remember his nurse calling me to tell me his sugars were higher & oxygen had to go on. When we came home with him, he was still gasping when he would go into a deep sleep. I think that's where some of the anxiety roots from.

I recently went to my doctor, who is also a member of my ward bishopric & a very close family friend, to discuss what I was experiencing. I had post partum depression with Carter & Wyatt as well. I fully expected it & My family knew what to watch for after Peyton. Little did I, or anyone else, know how bad it would get.

No I'm not so depressed that I'm buried in the corner afraid of the public eyes, but I do have a hard time being around a lot of people & loudness. I know some of that is because Peyton is still not used to loud noises. His tiny ears lived in the quietness of the NICU for 73 days. When he cries, I get anxious when I can't console him right away. My husband has been such a lifesaver for me. He knows exactly what to watch for when I'm getting overwhelmed. He jumps in & helps in any way possible.

We decided I needed some Xanax for those touchy moments.

Sometimes I feel like it's the worst thing ever that I can't take care of my own kids.... but then I also remember

God gives you what you can handle & when you see your way to him the blessings fall on you & your family.




I'm a work in progress & I'm proud to say that I have come to terms with myself & my head. I know I have some hard work to do, but I have so much help & support.

I have to take care of myself before I can take care of these sweethearts.

•Tender Mercies & Our Struggles•

David A. Bednar hit it right on the head. Peyton is a miracle! I have said it before & I will say it a million times. That poor baby was barely surviving in my belly. It breaks my heart to admit that to a family member let alone the whole blogging world. He is one of my tender mercies. To the world he is a rare baby who has a condition not known to many, to me he is my lifesaver & miracle. He was sent to us to teach us as his parents to love more, live fully & forget the small problems. I, as his mommy & main caregiver was taught how to take care of him. That's a lot of organization. If you know me at all, I am anything but organized. I forget a lot of things, I put things in a spot I promise to remember & forget where that spot was. I am NOT a perfect mom. I could sit here & give you a bullet point list of all the things I do wrong on a daily basis..... but I'm not going to. Peyt was sent to me to tell me that I was special enough to God to be rewarded with this special & loving baby who needed to be taken care of in just a way that I could. On one of my blog posts comments a person I admire more than they know said this to me,

"These experiences change us and you will see the world from a different perspective because of it. But most of all, we are learning the lessons that God wants us to learn. Rejoice in the small victories, things that mean very little to mothers of "normal" kids are a huge deal to us parents to have kids with issues. And most of all, consider yourself privileged that God held you and Trevor in such high esteem that he was willing to entrust one of his most special children with you. You are now a member of a very "elite" club, which comes with a high price, but with unimaginable blessings! Let me be the first to welcome you :) I know you will find that happy place...just give it some time."

I will hold those words close to my heart forever!! When I heard these words I thought to myself how strong I needed to be not only for myself, but for my family & most importantly for Peyton. It is definitely no joke that babies feed off negativity. Once I realized that I needed to change my "poor pity me" attitude, Peyton started to drastically get better. He was gaining weight faster, eating better, & reacting to his meds better. Positivity is everything in the NICU even though it's one of the most depressing places. We received so much help from our friends, money, clothes for Peyton, & most of all the love, faith & prayers from everyone. It made Peyton's 73 day stay at PCMC a little less stressful. Never once did I feel like it wasn't going to be ok. Every night I would pray that Peyt would stay stable, my other boys would know how much we loved them but needed to be with Peyton as much as we could & that we, as husband & wife, could stay strong together. Yes Peyton had his daily struggles, as did Trev & I but we made it! We are home & we are happy!

There comes a time when those happy moments can turn into the hardest times & hard to get through. Having a newborn is never easy...for anyone. Having a newborn with diabetes seems to me, just a little harder. Some nights I would put Peyton to sleep with his sugars in the 80's, that makes me so nervous. It doesn't seem low but I give him insulin at night sometimes that kicks in & he drops. We can correct highs, lows can be life-threatening. I have never understood a diabetics mind with lows until now. Sugars can be so up & down & you just never know what you can wake up to. It is a constant worry. On the 11th we withheld his Lantus. For three days Peyton stayed stable & in a good range. The morning of the 15th I had such a pit in my stomach. Peyton had been extremely fussy the night before his dr.'s appointment & I chalked it up to colic because I had checked him & he was in good range. I told his pediatrician how fussy he had been, he did a quick check up & confirmed we had an ear infection in the right ear & an infection starting in the left. MOM FAIL. Seriously my baby who already goes through so much has to be circumcised & start antibiotics for ear infections. So that night his sugars rose to 266. Not to high but enough to get his Humalog (fast acting) & make him feel a little better. You never realize the sugars unless you are a die hard fitness guru or your a diabetics parent. We all knew he would soar high with the meds. It's still stressful even if you foresee it happening. This week has been one of my toughest mommy weeks. Peyton has been non stop crying, the boys don't understand he gets sad when they are loud & Trevor is on night shift. It is so hard to contain & shush my kid until he wakes up. I have never had such a fussy baby. I haven't done laundry, dishes have piled more than once & I'm lucky if I get in the shower or dressed for the day. Life is not a cup of tea. Life is hard. Life knocks you down sometimes. God is bigger. He has so many plans for our family & we have so many blessings to be so extremely thankful for!!!
Trev Ky Kam Carter Wyatt & Peyton