• Hard Pill To Swallow •

This has been something that I have thought about writing for a long time.

It's not uncommon, but it's a judged subject.

PTSD from having a baby in the NICU is getting more and more common. Anxiety is also a result from a stay.

I remember so vividly everything that happened from February 8- April 22. I am an emotional person. I cry, I scream & I get upset very easily. While Peyton was in Primary's I only cried twice. I never left him & cried & it was questioned a lot.

I can't tell you why I never cried & I will probably never know.

Peyton has been insulin free for 2.5 months. The last 2 months has been constant worry & high anxiety that his diabetes will come back sooner than expected. At his 4 month checkup I worried his sugars would spike from his fever. Of course it hasn't & hopefully it doesn't until 14ish.

At night sometimes I wake up in a panic from dreams that take me back to the morning of Peyton's birth when Trev comes in to tell me that he's only 3 lbs 15 oz. People would say that might be normal & it's ok. It's not ok when your mind throws a curve ball & you also hear him saying they don't expect him to make it through the night...

I panic, wake up in a sweat & have to get up in the middle of the night to check on him & remember that he's ok.

I hear the monitors all the time & my heart rate palpitates when I flashback to the night that his numbers kept rising & we couldn't figure out what was wrong. He stopped breathing twice & I so clearly remember his nurse calling me to tell me his sugars were higher & oxygen had to go on. When we came home with him, he was still gasping when he would go into a deep sleep. I think that's where some of the anxiety roots from.

I recently went to my doctor, who is also a member of my ward bishopric & a very close family friend, to discuss what I was experiencing. I had post partum depression with Carter & Wyatt as well. I fully expected it & My family knew what to watch for after Peyton. Little did I, or anyone else, know how bad it would get.

No I'm not so depressed that I'm buried in the corner afraid of the public eyes, but I do have a hard time being around a lot of people & loudness. I know some of that is because Peyton is still not used to loud noises. His tiny ears lived in the quietness of the NICU for 73 days. When he cries, I get anxious when I can't console him right away. My husband has been such a lifesaver for me. He knows exactly what to watch for when I'm getting overwhelmed. He jumps in & helps in any way possible.

We decided I needed some Xanax for those touchy moments.

Sometimes I feel like it's the worst thing ever that I can't take care of my own kids.... but then I also remember

God gives you what you can handle & when you see your way to him the blessings fall on you & your family.




I'm a work in progress & I'm proud to say that I have come to terms with myself & my head. I know I have some hard work to do, but I have so much help & support.

I have to take care of myself before I can take care of these sweethearts.

• Family Night •

We decided to start doing a family night once a week. Not necessarily on Monday, just once a week. We chose to go fishing tonight!! It started out fun....













Wyatt was the only one who caught anything! A small bass! He was totally thrilled with himself!!
















We packed a picnic dinner & fished for about an hour & a half. It ended with a sad 4 yr old who caught no fish & a sad baby P who was hungry.

•Peyton Is 4 Months Old•

Weight: 10 lbs 8 oz
Height: 22.5 in

Peyton is doing so good!

*He is 3 weeks of no insulin. I am so relieved!

*He still has night time colic & refuses to eat luke warm bottles. They must be as warm as you can get without burning him!

*He lays on his side but just can't quite get the extra push to get his belly.

*Speaking of his belly, dislikes tummy time any longer than 5-10 minutes.

*Tried rice for the first time & he likes it but isn't quite sure what to do with his tongue!



*He is starting to recognize familiar faces & gives thee biggest smiles when he knows who it is!

*Sat upright in his jumper for 20 minutes twice so far. He is so strong!



*Loves to snuggle things while he sleeps. A fabulous friend did a Scentsy fundraiser for us & she gave Peyton a Scentsy buddy! His name is Rowan the Raccoon & Peyt loves him!

•Why I had to say goodbye to Facebook•

Not just see ya later... Not just oh I need a break. Like I LITERALLY deleted my account.

I know this post with offend some people... Welp,, I'm me & if you don't like my blunt honesty, were/are we really that great of friends?

Facebook used to be fun for me. It used to be a good way of keeping up with people from school or other meetings here, there & everywhere. I loved seeing what everyone was up to, it soon turned into 1) what everyone was eating 2) what day everyone worked out & how they did it 3) & now it's all about fitness challenge & 21 day fixes. I'm sorry but I feel very annoyed & pushed away because of it. Now I know it's a great way to get things recognized & lots of people on board with what's going on. Don't get me wrong, it got Peyt's through his stay at PCMC. We were extremely blessed.


I also found it very addicting. I have 4 (5) (if ya count the hubby!) boys that vie for my attention constantly, Facebook & being nosy took my time for them. It's so easy to get drawn into what someone says on there.


Negativity was at it's highest, I feel like. Not only the post updates, but on the yard sale pages. Yes I was guilty of stalking that page, but the way people acted if they didn't get something or if someone was selling an animal. Are you kidding me? It's not their life story, if they can't keep their pets at least they are giving them a new, loving home & not abandoning on the side of the road. People are just to chicken to say it to faces & they take to social media to hide. I stayed positive throughout our trials by staying off Facebook. I shared pictures & updates on my Instagram & blog, then linked to FB through it, rarely checked FB.

It's just not the fun, love seeing new updates & pictures Facebook anymore. So Goodbye time consuming, negative, stalking tool of the world. I have better things to do.