• I BELIEVE... •

{ I BELIEVE } your family near and far, will be the ones you will fall back on for comfort. The quote that always hits home

This last year has been one of my toughest. I have been tested in every single one of my roles... As a mom, as a wife, & mostly as the person I always thought I'd be. My family has & always will continue to be there! 

{ I BELIEVE } that if you don't work for what you want, it won't fully be yours. Things are handed out to people so easily now. 12 year olds are getting cell phones... 15 year olds getting new trucks before their license. I love to hear stories from grandparents from their childhood about how hard they worked just to earn $1.00. I look up to the people who have earned everything they own. I grew up doing chores as a child & as soon as I could I got a job. I raised 3 steers & paid for my drill team in high school. I am so very thankful to my parents for installing in my head that working hard will get you what you want. I admire and look up to my dad more than he will ever realize. He is the true definition of a hard worker. He never stops, no matter what. We are raising the boys just the same. They have chores & if they listen the first time, they get what they want. 

{ I BELIEVE } there is a lesson to be learned in every trial we go through. I thought life was falling apart when Peyton was in that ambulance going to Primary Childrens. I honestly felt there was a chance I could lose my baby. Diabetes is not something to be messed with, it has a mind of its own. And every single second I spend with these boys of mine is priceless & should be cherished. I learned that this life with my family needs to be done with love and focus on them. Those messes I want to clean up every 5 minutes show that my boys are enjoying their childhood. They are little boys and they need to have fun. 

{ I BELIEVE } your spouse should always be your best friend. I don't remember this often enough right now. It's true when they say your spouse gets pushed away when kids come into the picture, and it's usually the husband. I'm guilty way to often of this. I'm tired, I need to sleep when they do, you would never survive 2 hours of sleep or the constant crying like I do. My attitude sometime is horrible towards him when he gets home. It's not fair, it's not his fault. We recently went to his work Christmas party. It was so much fun. We rented a room & went out with friends afterwards. It needs to be like that way more often. He knows me inside & out. He is my best friend. I trust him with everything I know & love. He deserves the best. 

{ I BELIEVE } that God does not give us more than we can handle. He has perfect timing & I know this because we were able to stay with Peyton so much. The reasoning. My mom & dad were well on their way to moving to Southern Utah & starting a business and about a month or two before Peyton was born they were told they couldn't get the loan. At the time we as a family were so bummed. When Peyton was born I realized they were needed to stay with my kids & let me lean on them for 2.5 months. He knows what He's doing all the time! 

• Advocate or Hypocrite •

I feel like I don't express myself well. I am most of the time a blubbering idiot. I can't control myself when I'm trying to tell people how I feel.

Ever since I can remember I have been emotional. I get it from my momma! & ever since I can remember I have been hard headed, stubborn &.... a people pleaser. A little indifferent right!? Being as stubborn as I am, I should be fine to tell people how I do things & take nothing less! I am a big talker... It eats me ALIVE when I upset people or I don't do things the way someone thinks I should.

I can remember back to high school thinking life is going to be so easy. I am going to find someone to take care of me & our future family. I was happy & proud of everything in my life.

Well... Life truly starts after you become an 18 year old adult. I was faced with the reality of car payments, rent, a job,preparing my own meals ( cause heaven knows you can't eat out every meal, every day). I wasn't proud anymore. I was struggling.

I found the only person(outside my parents & siblings) I feel truly understands & loves every aspect of ME! Which is a miracle in its own. It's not easy living with me..

I always knew I was going to have babies. I grew up taking care of my baby sister & brother & babysitting. I went to college & found a job with kids... I love them! Other people's kids...


Now PLEASE don't take that outta context!

I love my kids & I will do ANYTHING in my power for them.
I just never knew the way my thinking & hormones would become so different after having them. I also never thought I would be the one to be on the "crazy pill". It just wasn't in my cards... Or so I thought.

So am I an advocate or a hypocrite?

I try to avoid the fact I'm on my meds. I don't talk about it. Or I laugh it off & make it seem like it's joke.

The sad truth is it's not a joke. I have had a problem coming to terms with it since Carter. Some of it comes from moving away from my mom shortly after having him, but to look on the bright side I moved within 20 minutes of my sweet angel Grandma! My papa, aunts & uncle were right there to help at a whim! It's not like I moved three states away with no help. Nonetheless it must had hit me hard, or now that I think about it that was a HARD, TOUGH, HEARTBREAKING reality check when I realized my grandma was in serious pain. She was dying & there was nothing anyone could do. I spent one year with her, Going every day that she felt ok for company. I miss her. She was one of my best friends & biggest supporters.

Is that why I started to feel so down about things? I know one thing is that is WHEN it started. & it has gotten worse since having a baby become a NICU graduate. I know there could be worse & that little teething, screaming, drool monster could have had a total different outcome with his life. But to say it has been easy for us since his diabetes went away would be a complete lie. I haven't experienced a colicky & demanding child until Peyt. & I feel like a brand new mom when I do most things with him. Life is & always will be a harsh reality.

I wake up, get outta bed & live because of those 3 cute little faces I wake up to everyday. I do the things a regular stay at home mom does.

But it's not who I am. I have post partum depression that I feel has turned into post traumatic stress. I experience anxiety. I experience bouts of tears, bouts of anger, & as much as people don't think I do.. bouts of laughter. I do enjoy life.

It's just sometimes that depression sneaks up on me & pulls me back in. Slowly but surely. & when it pulls it doesn't let up.

So the answer to the question... advocate or hypocrite?

Hypocrite...
I choose to avoid it. I choose to ignore it. & I choose to receive the consequences for it.

What do I want to be?

Advocate...
I want to help others. I want to live knowing others like me. I want people to know they don't have to be alone. & I want to lean on others who KNOW what I'm feeling. I know it's the right thing to do. Seek help & let others help me sort this out.

That does not always mean it's easy.

• A New Change •

I have been going crazy the last few weeks. You know when your sitting in Sunday school when your teacher tells you... If you have a prompting to do something, Just Do It!!!

Well I DiD!!

I have been toying around with the thought of school for a long time now. I just couldn't decide where I wanted to go or what I wanted to do.

When I attended ISU I worked at TLC Day Care! I loved it. From that moment I knew I wanted to own one someday! I love kids & I think it would be so fun to have my own daycare!

I also have been struggling with not helping our family financially. I totally understand that Business Management is gonna take a bit of time. I can look towards 4 years & know that I could be graduating with a Bachelor of Science in Business Management.

This could do wonders for my self- esteem. If you know me at all, you know that I'm very insecure with everything. I am a people pleaser, even if it means I'm not the happiest, I'll do it!

I'm the happiest when I am doing something good for someone. Entrusting your children is not something to be taken lightly. I love that I live in a small town. Everyone knows everyone else & most are trustworthy! I worked with a lot of the kids who are now in Jr. high & high school, when I taught dance! I loved seeing their faces when they were doing what they loved!

So now it becomes a waiting game to see if I have been accepted & can get this school thing started!!

Wish me luck!!

• I'm Just Like My Husband •

I'm not joking... It's serious. I always figured I was kind of a girly girl. I loved to dance, I never went anywhere without my make up & hair done & I showered every day just to shave my legs. I understand 10% of how they think & act now!!

I will do gross things!
Before the boys could lay on the floor or sit in the jumper, I made sure I had the floor vacuumed & the jumper wiped down. If they barely spit up on anything, it was taken off & washed immediately. Seriously, you try having 4 boys & keeping everything spic & span. It doesn't work. I have caught puke in my hands only to have it end up in my hair. I have cloroxed the bathtub after my 2 year old makes himself good & comfy to poop. I touch wet sheets after they've been peed on. & I just throw the blanket, with who knows what on it, in the washer & don't think twice. The boys can seriously come in with the dirtiest faces & hands & I just put them in the tub.

I can get ready in 15 minutes!
High School was a time when I felt like I needed to have my hair done & make up on no matter what. When I had Carter I was still working for the first 5 months. I was still in the makeup & hair routine. Once we moved to Utah & my husband started night shifts I learned how to get ready in 15 minutes before the baby cried. My hair became straight & flat to my head...no more poofs... & my makeup consisted of pretty close to nothing. Thank goodness I was blessed with decent skin. Now life consists of me getting myself & all 4 kids ready in 30 minutes & waitin on dad in the car!

I now suck at listening!
When one of my friends needed to talk pre-family life, I was right there with listening ears. I can NOT talk on the phone to ANYONE without kids interrupting, the baby screaming, or the dogs barking at someone driving by. It's ridiculous. The kids ask me for something & they have to repeat themselves 2 or 3 times before one of the other kids will be quiet enough for me to hear.

I replaced foreplay with “After Sleep"!
Seriously I'm sure it's a TMI. So sorry... But our 4 year old hasn't slept good since we moved to Utah. He was up with night terrors constantly. & now our 2 year old is having them. Peyton is a very alert sleeper. A creek in the floor will wake him up easily. We have a time window that has to be met fast! I would rather get to it & have some good ol after sleep. Preferably on my belly & no snuggles. I get to hot & my husband snores!