• Advocate or Hypocrite •

I feel like I don't express myself well. I am most of the time a blubbering idiot. I can't control myself when I'm trying to tell people how I feel.

Ever since I can remember I have been emotional. I get it from my momma! & ever since I can remember I have been hard headed, stubborn &.... a people pleaser. A little indifferent right!? Being as stubborn as I am, I should be fine to tell people how I do things & take nothing less! I am a big talker... It eats me ALIVE when I upset people or I don't do things the way someone thinks I should.

I can remember back to high school thinking life is going to be so easy. I am going to find someone to take care of me & our future family. I was happy & proud of everything in my life.

Well... Life truly starts after you become an 18 year old adult. I was faced with the reality of car payments, rent, a job,preparing my own meals ( cause heaven knows you can't eat out every meal, every day). I wasn't proud anymore. I was struggling.

I found the only person(outside my parents & siblings) I feel truly understands & loves every aspect of ME! Which is a miracle in its own. It's not easy living with me..

I always knew I was going to have babies. I grew up taking care of my baby sister & brother & babysitting. I went to college & found a job with kids... I love them! Other people's kids...


Now PLEASE don't take that outta context!

I love my kids & I will do ANYTHING in my power for them.
I just never knew the way my thinking & hormones would become so different after having them. I also never thought I would be the one to be on the "crazy pill". It just wasn't in my cards... Or so I thought.

So am I an advocate or a hypocrite?

I try to avoid the fact I'm on my meds. I don't talk about it. Or I laugh it off & make it seem like it's joke.

The sad truth is it's not a joke. I have had a problem coming to terms with it since Carter. Some of it comes from moving away from my mom shortly after having him, but to look on the bright side I moved within 20 minutes of my sweet angel Grandma! My papa, aunts & uncle were right there to help at a whim! It's not like I moved three states away with no help. Nonetheless it must had hit me hard, or now that I think about it that was a HARD, TOUGH, HEARTBREAKING reality check when I realized my grandma was in serious pain. She was dying & there was nothing anyone could do. I spent one year with her, Going every day that she felt ok for company. I miss her. She was one of my best friends & biggest supporters.

Is that why I started to feel so down about things? I know one thing is that is WHEN it started. & it has gotten worse since having a baby become a NICU graduate. I know there could be worse & that little teething, screaming, drool monster could have had a total different outcome with his life. But to say it has been easy for us since his diabetes went away would be a complete lie. I haven't experienced a colicky & demanding child until Peyt. & I feel like a brand new mom when I do most things with him. Life is & always will be a harsh reality.

I wake up, get outta bed & live because of those 3 cute little faces I wake up to everyday. I do the things a regular stay at home mom does.

But it's not who I am. I have post partum depression that I feel has turned into post traumatic stress. I experience anxiety. I experience bouts of tears, bouts of anger, & as much as people don't think I do.. bouts of laughter. I do enjoy life.

It's just sometimes that depression sneaks up on me & pulls me back in. Slowly but surely. & when it pulls it doesn't let up.

So the answer to the question... advocate or hypocrite?

Hypocrite...
I choose to avoid it. I choose to ignore it. & I choose to receive the consequences for it.

What do I want to be?

Advocate...
I want to help others. I want to live knowing others like me. I want people to know they don't have to be alone. & I want to lean on others who KNOW what I'm feeling. I know it's the right thing to do. Seek help & let others help me sort this out.

That does not always mean it's easy.

• A New Change •

I have been going crazy the last few weeks. You know when your sitting in Sunday school when your teacher tells you... If you have a prompting to do something, Just Do It!!!

Well I DiD!!

I have been toying around with the thought of school for a long time now. I just couldn't decide where I wanted to go or what I wanted to do.

When I attended ISU I worked at TLC Day Care! I loved it. From that moment I knew I wanted to own one someday! I love kids & I think it would be so fun to have my own daycare!

I also have been struggling with not helping our family financially. I totally understand that Business Management is gonna take a bit of time. I can look towards 4 years & know that I could be graduating with a Bachelor of Science in Business Management.

This could do wonders for my self- esteem. If you know me at all, you know that I'm very insecure with everything. I am a people pleaser, even if it means I'm not the happiest, I'll do it!

I'm the happiest when I am doing something good for someone. Entrusting your children is not something to be taken lightly. I love that I live in a small town. Everyone knows everyone else & most are trustworthy! I worked with a lot of the kids who are now in Jr. high & high school, when I taught dance! I loved seeing their faces when they were doing what they loved!

So now it becomes a waiting game to see if I have been accepted & can get this school thing started!!

Wish me luck!!

• I'm Just Like My Husband •

I'm not joking... It's serious. I always figured I was kind of a girly girl. I loved to dance, I never went anywhere without my make up & hair done & I showered every day just to shave my legs. I understand 10% of how they think & act now!!

I will do gross things!
Before the boys could lay on the floor or sit in the jumper, I made sure I had the floor vacuumed & the jumper wiped down. If they barely spit up on anything, it was taken off & washed immediately. Seriously, you try having 4 boys & keeping everything spic & span. It doesn't work. I have caught puke in my hands only to have it end up in my hair. I have cloroxed the bathtub after my 2 year old makes himself good & comfy to poop. I touch wet sheets after they've been peed on. & I just throw the blanket, with who knows what on it, in the washer & don't think twice. The boys can seriously come in with the dirtiest faces & hands & I just put them in the tub.

I can get ready in 15 minutes!
High School was a time when I felt like I needed to have my hair done & make up on no matter what. When I had Carter I was still working for the first 5 months. I was still in the makeup & hair routine. Once we moved to Utah & my husband started night shifts I learned how to get ready in 15 minutes before the baby cried. My hair became straight & flat to my head...no more poofs... & my makeup consisted of pretty close to nothing. Thank goodness I was blessed with decent skin. Now life consists of me getting myself & all 4 kids ready in 30 minutes & waitin on dad in the car!

I now suck at listening!
When one of my friends needed to talk pre-family life, I was right there with listening ears. I can NOT talk on the phone to ANYONE without kids interrupting, the baby screaming, or the dogs barking at someone driving by. It's ridiculous. The kids ask me for something & they have to repeat themselves 2 or 3 times before one of the other kids will be quiet enough for me to hear.

I replaced foreplay with “After Sleep"!
Seriously I'm sure it's a TMI. So sorry... But our 4 year old hasn't slept good since we moved to Utah. He was up with night terrors constantly. & now our 2 year old is having them. Peyton is a very alert sleeper. A creek in the floor will wake him up easily. We have a time window that has to be met fast! I would rather get to it & have some good ol after sleep. Preferably on my belly & no snuggles. I get to hot & my husband snores!

•Peyton is 6 Months•

Weight:: 14 lbs 14 oz (8%)
Length:: 25 in (6%)
Head Circumference:: 25 (20%)

•he rolls from his back to belly
•grabs for his toys
•loves Seeing people he recognizes
•supported sitter
•sleeps 9 pm- 6 am