There are plenty of right and wonderful reasons to have a baby, but let me tell you having a baby so you feel like you fit in with those around you is not one of them. I've spent the past year filled with this down right envy of all things motherhood. Part of me isn't even sure I can actually put into words how I've been feeling, but I'm going to try so bear with me dear readers.
Living away from family is never easy. It's even harder when both you and your husband are total introverts that generally gravitate to people who are at least 5-10 years old than we are. While it's already hard to make friends as an adult (please tell me I'm not alone in this), throw in what I mentioned above and it seems nearly impossible. So when every other couple we met, that we felt like we got along with, had at least one child, it just seemed like the logical thing to do to have baby (yes as I type that I know it sounds crazy).
It didn't help that I spend my days with an almost 2 year old, so from 9-5 I have lots of mom like experiences, both the good and the bad. Since my brain was pretty baby focused, I tended to connect with groups that had lots of younger moms in them. I saw their motherhood struggles, and could offer a little advice, but who wants mothering advice from a non-mom? There was so much I could relate to, but at the same time couldn't relate at all. There are tough days as a nanny, but at the end of them I get to leave. While I don't sleep great, I still never have to worry about a baby waking up and needing me. I wanted those motherhood struggles though, I saw the way these other moms bonded over them, and I just so badly wanted to be in on that.
I'm a nanny right, how hard could it be to be a mom? I got the chance to find out when Michael and I watched the little guy for a week. I mentioned this before, but that week was so unbelievably hard. Even with all it's toughness, I'm so thankful we had that week. I felt the struggle first hand, and I was not ready for it. More importantly, God knew I wasn't ready for this, I was just too baby laser focused to listen.
I have this horrible habit of getting so focused on an idea, which in theory is usually a God-pleasing idea, that I just assume that is what God wants for me. God used this week to shake me out of my selfish desire for a baby right now. It is rare for me to really feel like God is speaking to me, and usually when He does it needs to be super loud, well I got the message. Wanting motherhood because you assumed it would be easier to make friends, means you are not ready to become a mother.
We all have different timelines for parenthood (if ever), but I cannot spend so much time being jealous of mothers that I neglect the life I have. Before we have a baby of our own, I want our marriage to be strong, and more importantly I want to be strong, mentally, physically, and spiritually, so this baby can be loved like no other.
Lisa is a 20 something born and raised Northerner now living in the Deep South with her Southern husband. She spends her days as a nanny to a 2 year old, priding herself on her ability to sing along to all the songs on Daniel Tiger and Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. When not working, she loves to do all things crafty, though they usually turn into major Pinterest fails. You can follow her at the following:
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I know Lisa will be reading your comments, please stay positive. Thank you Lisa for being so willing to be my first post!
