There are plenty of right and wonderful reasons to have a baby, but let me tell you having a baby so you feel like you fit in with those around you is not one of them. I've spent the past year filled with this down right envy of all things motherhood. Part of me isn't even sure I can actually put into words how I've been feeling, but I'm going to try so bear with me dear readers.
Living away from family is never easy. It's even harder when both you and your husband are total introverts that generally gravitate to people who are at least 5-10 years old than we are. While it's already hard to make friends as an adult (please tell me I'm not alone in this), throw in what I mentioned above and it seems nearly impossible. So when every other couple we met, that we felt like we got along with, had at least one child, it just seemed like the logical thing to do to have baby (yes as I type that I know it sounds crazy).
It didn't help that I spend my days with an almost 2 year old, so from 9-5 I have lots of mom like experiences, both the good and the bad. Since my brain was pretty baby focused, I tended to connect with groups that had lots of younger moms in them. I saw their motherhood struggles, and could offer a little advice, but who wants mothering advice from a non-mom? There was so much I could relate to, but at the same time couldn't relate at all. There are tough days as a nanny, but at the end of them I get to leave. While I don't sleep great, I still never have to worry about a baby waking up and needing me. I wanted those motherhood struggles though, I saw the way these other moms bonded over them, and I just so badly wanted to be in on that.
I'm a nanny right, how hard could it be to be a mom? I got the chance to find out when Michael and I watched the little guy for a week. I mentioned this before, but that week was so unbelievably hard. Even with all it's toughness, I'm so thankful we had that week. I felt the struggle first hand, and I was not ready for it. More importantly, God knew I wasn't ready for this, I was just too baby laser focused to listen.
I have this horrible habit of getting so focused on an idea, which in theory is usually a God-pleasing idea, that I just assume that is what God wants for me. God used this week to shake me out of my selfish desire for a baby right now. It is rare for me to really feel like God is speaking to me, and usually when He does it needs to be super loud, well I got the message. Wanting motherhood because you assumed it would be easier to make friends, means you are not ready to become a mother.
We all have different timelines for parenthood (if ever), but I cannot spend so much time being jealous of mothers that I neglect the life I have. Before we have a baby of our own, I want our marriage to be strong, and more importantly I want to be strong, mentally, physically, and spiritually, so this baby can be loved like no other.
Lisa is a 20 something born and raised Northerner now living in the Deep South with her Southern husband. She spends her days as a nanny to a 2 year old, priding herself on her ability to sing along to all the songs on Daniel Tiger and Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. When not working, she loves to do all things crafty, though they usually turn into major Pinterest fails. You can follow her at the following:
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I know Lisa will be reading your comments, please stay positive. Thank you Lisa for being so willing to be my first post!
Thank you so much for sharing this story and I loved this guest post!!
ReplyDeleteOh my word, I needed this today! I have definitely felt that "Motherhood Envy", and lately it has been getting stronger and stronger. I want a baby, especially as it has been a year since miscarriage #2, but I am determined to only have a child if I know that it is the Lord's will and something that I desire simply because I love my future children, and not because I want to make a point, fit in with my mommy friends, or have it "easier" in general (yeah, 'cause having kids is easy, right :P). I can't be trying to prove something to myself, God, or others, I have to have my whole heart in it, for the right reasons. It's so hard, but when I do have children I will one day look back at now and realize that the waiting and preparing was all worth it. THANK YOU for sharing your amazing heart.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much Alexis! Shaylee I'm so sorry you've had to deal with loss twice. It's nice to know that I'm not alone in feeling this way. You're so right it's all in God's hands and He knows the timing, whether we like it or not. I love what you said about wanting a child because you want to love them and for no other reason. It's been really eye opening to look at how I felt and see that my desire for a child was coming from such a selfish place. Thank you for sharing that with me!
ReplyDeleteWow. You're so right, and you have so much wisdom. I've definitely been in that envy boat, and I go in and out all the time. I'm not able to have children of my own because of health issues and I'm not allowed to adopt from 99% of agencies because of those health issues. All of our best friends have kids, and it's really hard to be okay with the life God gave us. Because I know he has amazing plans, but I just get selfish. Thanks for sharing your heart.
ReplyDeleteBailey thank you so much for sharing! I'm sorry you're having to go through this. It's hard not to get selfish sometimes. The past few months have really been me examining how selfish a lot of my choices and actions have been in the last few months. Hoping and praying for some good news about your health!
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