• That Little Voice •

It will always live with me I'm afraid. It won't go away, I can't bury it. It's just there. 

I've never been incredibly open about my disordered eating in high school. I am not sure if it's the embarrassment of having open imperfections in a perfect world, or if it's just that I can't admit I had a problem that should have been addressed.

I remember it starting in my sophomore year. I have always loved dancing & when I became a member of our school drill team I was dancing all the time. For some reason that's when it really hit me that you shouldn't (one of the many lies this voice told me) be fat & trying to dance. I would just skip a meal every few days, nothing to serious. It became daily I was skipping & gradually it became days I was skipping. Looking back now I'm surprised I lasted. I remember getting really shaky all the time. I think the peak of this disease was my senior year. I started having anxiety & when I had to get a little bigger dance outfits, I panicked. It was like my life was falling apart & that's when the bulimia started. It didn't last long it just wasn't my thing. Eating all of that food all at once made me feel horrible. 

I started dating my husband in the middle of my bulimia struggle. He lived an hour away & I would drive almost every weekend. From the get go I felt like he needed to know my eating struggles. Not because I wanted to trap him into feeling bad for me but I had that gut feeling that he'd stay no matter what relationship we had. Little did I know he already knew, one of the girls on my drill team was friends with his ex-gf, they made him think I was this crazy girl who had this horrible disease. This felt like such a defeat to me that someone who I thought was such a good friend would say something so rude about me. That night we went out to eat with some friends, I ended up being told everything & coming back to throw up. I felt so terrible I did the very thing that makes me the crazy one. I thought I was being "sneaky" doing it while everyone went out for a smoke break, they came back & I was caught. My husband got so mad, he punched the door. That was the last time I've seen him that mad & the last time I made myself puke. 

I moved to Pocatello to go to school & things got pretty serious. Looking back now, I feel this was the thinnest I've ever been. 

I thought it was great. And if I'm being downright honest, some days I wish I could look like that again. I hurt myself so much & at that same time I was proud. Proud of my discipline, proud of my hard work, proud of the compliments I received for such a great body. 

That's the problem with eating disorders, they will destroy you when you are receiving the most praise for things you never realized how much you care about. 

There are some people who think my eating disorder is not an eating disorder. 

• I had multiple kids - eating disorders ruin that chance. 

• I was never hospitalized - eating disorders make you pass out, anemic, dehydrated, ruin your heart or esophagus. 

• I was never under 100 lbs - eating disorders mean you weigh like 80 lbs. 

There are so many doubters that think they see the models & the girls who have some of the most severe cases I've ever seen. They compare those of us who struggle day to day but push through the pain to conquer that voice. I hear that voice every time I change my clothes, every time I'm in bed with my husband, every time I look in the mirror, & every time I try to tell myself how strong I am. 

I have to tell myself constantly that I am enough. 

I am enough to be a good wife. 

I am enough to be an amazing mom. 

I am enough to be honest & to be an advocate for every single person who is struggling. 

I have a lot working against me, ED, PPD, & Anxiety. But I also have a lot more going for me, 4 little boys who love me no matter what, a husband who loves me unconditionally, my family & my husbands family who will do anything to help. 

I AM ENOUGH!

These are my biggest fans!!! They will be here no matter what!