• Life Lately •

I have been extremely MIA from this blog!! We haven't been that exciting but... There have been a few moments! 

Trev & I

• Trev is still working at Kiewit, but he runs the dozer instead of driving a truck now!! & got a pay raise! 

• I am still livin it up as a stay at home mama! & working on bettering my health! I am one month free of caffeine with the exception of a few! :/ (no one is perfect!) I am working on losing the baby bulge around my hips with a little Shaun T & Insanity Max 30! I will slowly but surely get there!! 

Kam

• has lost another tooth, that makes 7!

Carter

• is going to be registering for Kindergarten in a couple weeks & I'm in total denial. 

Wyatt

• is POTTY TRAINED!!! Yay! It's been a long 8 months with him! & he is night trained as of today! 

Peyton

• is walking like a pro!

• is eating all sorts of foods & feeding himself (more like shoveling everything in as fast as he can!) 

• got ear tubes to help his ear infections! It has helped those but he's still very stubborn & like only his mama. 

• is a pro cryer! He does it 75% of the day! 

We are looking forward to summertime! They have been teased with good days & then rainy, snowy days! It just needs to be warm! 

We are also taking the boys to a BMX Riot show in a couple weeks. I know they will love it! 

I hope to keep this going again. I hate not posting! Too much to say at times I guess, & not enough time to write it all down! 

Until next time. 

• That Little Voice •

It will always live with me I'm afraid. It won't go away, I can't bury it. It's just there. 

I've never been incredibly open about my disordered eating in high school. I am not sure if it's the embarrassment of having open imperfections in a perfect world, or if it's just that I can't admit I had a problem that should have been addressed.

I remember it starting in my sophomore year. I have always loved dancing & when I became a member of our school drill team I was dancing all the time. For some reason that's when it really hit me that you shouldn't (one of the many lies this voice told me) be fat & trying to dance. I would just skip a meal every few days, nothing to serious. It became daily I was skipping & gradually it became days I was skipping. Looking back now I'm surprised I lasted. I remember getting really shaky all the time. I think the peak of this disease was my senior year. I started having anxiety & when I had to get a little bigger dance outfits, I panicked. It was like my life was falling apart & that's when the bulimia started. It didn't last long it just wasn't my thing. Eating all of that food all at once made me feel horrible. 

I started dating my husband in the middle of my bulimia struggle. He lived an hour away & I would drive almost every weekend. From the get go I felt like he needed to know my eating struggles. Not because I wanted to trap him into feeling bad for me but I had that gut feeling that he'd stay no matter what relationship we had. Little did I know he already knew, one of the girls on my drill team was friends with his ex-gf, they made him think I was this crazy girl who had this horrible disease. This felt like such a defeat to me that someone who I thought was such a good friend would say something so rude about me. That night we went out to eat with some friends, I ended up being told everything & coming back to throw up. I felt so terrible I did the very thing that makes me the crazy one. I thought I was being "sneaky" doing it while everyone went out for a smoke break, they came back & I was caught. My husband got so mad, he punched the door. That was the last time I've seen him that mad & the last time I made myself puke. 

I moved to Pocatello to go to school & things got pretty serious. Looking back now, I feel this was the thinnest I've ever been. 

I thought it was great. And if I'm being downright honest, some days I wish I could look like that again. I hurt myself so much & at that same time I was proud. Proud of my discipline, proud of my hard work, proud of the compliments I received for such a great body. 

That's the problem with eating disorders, they will destroy you when you are receiving the most praise for things you never realized how much you care about. 

There are some people who think my eating disorder is not an eating disorder. 

• I had multiple kids - eating disorders ruin that chance. 

• I was never hospitalized - eating disorders make you pass out, anemic, dehydrated, ruin your heart or esophagus. 

• I was never under 100 lbs - eating disorders mean you weigh like 80 lbs. 

There are so many doubters that think they see the models & the girls who have some of the most severe cases I've ever seen. They compare those of us who struggle day to day but push through the pain to conquer that voice. I hear that voice every time I change my clothes, every time I'm in bed with my husband, every time I look in the mirror, & every time I try to tell myself how strong I am. 

I have to tell myself constantly that I am enough. 

I am enough to be a good wife. 

I am enough to be an amazing mom. 

I am enough to be honest & to be an advocate for every single person who is struggling. 

I have a lot working against me, ED, PPD, & Anxiety. But I also have a lot more going for me, 4 little boys who love me no matter what, a husband who loves me unconditionally, my family & my husbands family who will do anything to help. 

I AM ENOUGH!

These are my biggest fans!!! They will be here no matter what! 

• What If I Can't Enjoy Every Moment •

It's that look I get from complete strangers when they see us with four boys. That, "oh wow you have four boys, enjoy every moment it goes so quickly," comes up & I just nod my head & smile. 

Here’s the thing: I do enjoy this. I do look forward to those snuggling moments. I was the mama rocking her newborn at 3:00am reminding myself to do that very thing: to memorize the ten tiny pounds on my chest, the entire hand that wrapped around my one finger. 

I pay attention to every single moment.  I am aware of the minutes that somehow turn into days, weeks & years, and I love those moments because they define our family.

What about those moments that are hard? What about those minutes you do not cherish and the days that are not precious? What do those criticizing strangers say about those?

Like this weekend when my 7, 5, & 3 year olds would not listen, would not stop tattletaling & would not stop fighting. To top it off I was also dealing with my 1 year old, who has had double ear infections for what I can only bet is 2 months, screaming & clinging to my leg every time I stopped for two seconds. I had finally had enough when two of the three fought & pushed one into the innocent third one knocking him into the bed only to his head. I shut their doors, went into my room & I screamed ," I'm done with you, and promptly shut myself in our bedroom drinking Mt. Dew until I regained my sanity.

Or when we were at Winco & they were fighting over who had to get in & who was holding the sides of the grocery cart, that they ran into the people in front of them, while I was getting something off a shelf, & we got that "take care of your out of control kids" look.

Or during a day that I had gotten 1 hour of sleep the night before & my nerves & anxiety had reach its capacity and I was confronted with two completely demanding toddlers and I screamed Can’t you just go take care of yourself for awhile?!

Or the time that my 5 year old put a hot wheels car in the microwave and pushed start. It started on the microwave on fire & he blamed it on his 3 year old brother. 15 minutes later he copped up to it & you wonder if all that talking about lying & truth telling even made a difference with him. 

What about those moments that are just hard? What do we do then? Is it really even feasible to enjoy those?

Those moments when you feel like a failure of a mother. When you feel like you did not love them nearly as much or you ignored their needs far to much. When your patience slipped, when your words made them tear up & run away. 

But here’s the thing about moments: they have this way of moving. They tick and they flash and they creep by. Every single one of them. These moments are going to happen whether we want them to or not, whether we are ready for them or not. Some are going to be easier to enjoy than others, some are going to sting more than others, some will be more precious than others.

We are trying so very hard to not miss these moments because in our heart of hearts we know that the advice is true: time does fly, moments do pass, we should enjoy these moments. We know that time works on its own schedule, speeding up when we want it to slow down and crawling by when we need it to fly.

But here’s the thing: we’re not going to enjoy every moment. We’re just not. Because being a mama is hard. It just is.

So to the exhausted mamas and the new ones and the barely surviving ones and the sick ones and the obsessive ones and the ones at the end of her rope and the ones surviving on caffeine, forget about trying to enjoy every moment. It will be one more thing you feel like is one of those building blocks of mothrhood. 

Here’s what you need to know instead: you already are a good mother. You love your kids fiercely, and that is what counts.

So what if we reframe the word enjoy? What if instead of trying to enjoy every single moment, we lean into them instead?  What if we learn from those rough patches & be strong. It is an act of bravery in affirming that you are more than the sum of your terrible minutes. It is an act of courage to dig deep into each and every moment even if there are a few thorns.

And so now, when I am confronted with the whining and the bickering and the exhaustion and the worry and the fears threatening to take over, I will look for something new. I will look for what I can embrace within the moment: the chocolate staining her cheek from when she snuck a bite of cookie, new words like appetizer and ridiculous that she tries on for size even though they completely don’t fit, the other one’s new favorite skill of climbing up the frame of the door frames or even just maybe try to laugh instead of cry at how terribly out of control the day has gone.

Because I want to know that I lived completely whole. I want to know that my boys are offered everything, whether it makes a mess or not. Even through these little years that can be so very exhausting. Even through moments that threaten my very sanity. Even then.

And so the next time someone tells you to enjoy this just as you are about ready to scream at somebody, simply smile and say “I will.” And then with every ounce of courage within you: don’t let the hard day win, look for one teeny tiny moment you can grasp within all the crying and screaming & just embrace motherhood and all it entails. 

• An Intense Feeling Of Deep Affection •

I met him in one of the situations that you're parents always warn you about. We first began talking on MYSPACE. I was a senior in high school & he was a freshman in college. I, then, decided to meet face to face & he was nice enough to meet me in public setting. None other than a football game. His love! I decided he was "safe" (ha ha), we went back to his apartment to hang out for a bit! It became a weekend thing! My best friend at the time began to date one his good friends as well, so it was nice to go with someone! 

  I started to fall in love with this guy. He was that hot college boy that I bragged to all my friends about. I started sharing things that I wouldn't tell just anyone & we met each other's families. That's a huge step to me & little did I know I'm the only one he brought back to meet his parents beside his high school girlfriend! After that I got busy with drill team competition, senior projects & keeping up in school! We grew apart for a few months. Apparently we couldn't forget each because by my birthday we were talking again & he celebrated my high school graduation with me! 

I moved to Pocatello in August of 2007. Kameron debuted in December! It was a shock to say the least, but what I thought was love was nothing until I seen him hold Kam. He is thee most amazing dad ever. 

We have been through so much together! 

Top 10 Reasons I Love Him

1. He makes me laugh EVERY SINGLE DAY!

2. He never goes a day without complimenting me.

3. We have so many things in common. 

4. He loves his boys more than anything. 

5. He goes to work 40+ hours/week to take care of us!

6. He understands almost every thing about me, I'm just a little crazy! 

7. He is rooting for me 100% while I'm trying to find my old, happy self again! 

8. Days off with him are something I look forward too & sometimes I look forward to him going back to work! Ha jk

9. He is brutally honest. It's hard to hear sometimes, but he would never lie to make me feel better. 

10. He is gorgeous! 

Happy Valentines to my love! I have no idea what I would do without you! You are my rock. You lift me up when I'm at my lowest. We have survived some toughies! I love you so much!!