• 2014 Best Memories •

2014 brought me some of my best , worst & most scary moments I've ever experienced! It's ok that it's over!!

February

Peyton James was born. One of the most bittersweet times I have ever had to go through. Those emotions resurface daily. That day is something I will never forget. 

Wyatt turned 2!! He is the instigator out of all these boys!! He's so much fun!

May

Just 2 weeks after Peyton came home, we had to take Wyatt to get a surgery done. He had an undescended testicle. The doctor doesn't like to fix this problem after 2 years old. We watched & waited for it to come down & it never did. It was horrible to watch him go back! But he did fall asleep before hand which was the best. He did good, healing process was good & no more problems! 

July

We got our new pup Dali! She is a mastiff/Great Dane. 

August

 These two boys started school!

October

We celebrated six years of marriage!! I love this man so much!!! He must love me a lot to put up with my crazy self!! We got to see & meet Rodney Carrington! I'm pretty sure he is Trevs ultimate idol!

Halloween

November

Carter turned 5!

December

Kam turned 7!

This momma has resolved to be H•A•P•P•Y!!

I have resolved to *lose weight*

I have resolved to [play more] 

I have resolved to L❤️ve more 

Happy New Year

• Jake the Elf & His 2014 Adventures

Jake had a lot of fun this year.

 I missed a few pictures towards the end. Those nights I almost forgot about him & was in a rush to get him moved!!! 

• Santa Spoiled Some Extremely Happy Boys •

Santa came for a visit! The kids were so excited to see him! 

Christmas is so much more fun with little kids. The look on their faces say it all when they opened their gifts. We got Kam at 2, Santa came while we were gone! 

Some of the most exciting....

Carter: Battle Shell Michael Angelo ( has been asking for months )

Wyatt: Paw Patrol Racers ( we watch every morning )

Kam: A hunting Gun & Bow & Arrow Set 

Peyton: A Fisher Price Farm & Barn 

Mom & Dad: A Brand New 50" TV!! ( first one we've ever bought! )

I'd say these cute boys got everything they wanted from Santa!! 

• Happy 7th Birthday Kam •

I can't believe Kameron is 7 already! It feels like just yesterday he was coming to visit Trev & I for the first time. He was such an amazing little baby. That boy made his daddy grow up real fast, but in an instant he had his daddy wrapped around those baby fingers!

Kam is a outside boy through and through. He loves tools, dirt, his dogs, hunting & haulin cows with his grandpa Mark in Malad. He is spoiled, but what oldest child isn't right!? 

He loves his baby brothers & is so helpful, well usually, when I need a distraction! 

He is smart & strong willed! 

We love him so much & can't imagine life without him! 

• I BELIEVE... •

{ I BELIEVE } your family near and far, will be the ones you will fall back on for comfort. The quote that always hits home

This last year has been one of my toughest. I have been tested in every single one of my roles... As a mom, as a wife, & mostly as the person I always thought I'd be. My family has & always will continue to be there! 

{ I BELIEVE } that if you don't work for what you want, it won't fully be yours. Things are handed out to people so easily now. 12 year olds are getting cell phones... 15 year olds getting new trucks before their license. I love to hear stories from grandparents from their childhood about how hard they worked just to earn $1.00. I look up to the people who have earned everything they own. I grew up doing chores as a child & as soon as I could I got a job. I raised 3 steers & paid for my drill team in high school. I am so very thankful to my parents for installing in my head that working hard will get you what you want. I admire and look up to my dad more than he will ever realize. He is the true definition of a hard worker. He never stops, no matter what. We are raising the boys just the same. They have chores & if they listen the first time, they get what they want. 

{ I BELIEVE } there is a lesson to be learned in every trial we go through. I thought life was falling apart when Peyton was in that ambulance going to Primary Childrens. I honestly felt there was a chance I could lose my baby. Diabetes is not something to be messed with, it has a mind of its own. And every single second I spend with these boys of mine is priceless & should be cherished. I learned that this life with my family needs to be done with love and focus on them. Those messes I want to clean up every 5 minutes show that my boys are enjoying their childhood. They are little boys and they need to have fun. 

{ I BELIEVE } your spouse should always be your best friend. I don't remember this often enough right now. It's true when they say your spouse gets pushed away when kids come into the picture, and it's usually the husband. I'm guilty way to often of this. I'm tired, I need to sleep when they do, you would never survive 2 hours of sleep or the constant crying like I do. My attitude sometime is horrible towards him when he gets home. It's not fair, it's not his fault. We recently went to his work Christmas party. It was so much fun. We rented a room & went out with friends afterwards. It needs to be like that way more often. He knows me inside & out. He is my best friend. I trust him with everything I know & love. He deserves the best. 

{ I BELIEVE } that God does not give us more than we can handle. He has perfect timing & I know this because we were able to stay with Peyton so much. The reasoning. My mom & dad were well on their way to moving to Southern Utah & starting a business and about a month or two before Peyton was born they were told they couldn't get the loan. At the time we as a family were so bummed. When Peyton was born I realized they were needed to stay with my kids & let me lean on them for 2.5 months. He knows what He's doing all the time! 

• Advocate or Hypocrite •

I feel like I don't express myself well. I am most of the time a blubbering idiot. I can't control myself when I'm trying to tell people how I feel.

Ever since I can remember I have been emotional. I get it from my momma! & ever since I can remember I have been hard headed, stubborn &.... a people pleaser. A little indifferent right!? Being as stubborn as I am, I should be fine to tell people how I do things & take nothing less! I am a big talker... It eats me ALIVE when I upset people or I don't do things the way someone thinks I should.

I can remember back to high school thinking life is going to be so easy. I am going to find someone to take care of me & our future family. I was happy & proud of everything in my life.

Well... Life truly starts after you become an 18 year old adult. I was faced with the reality of car payments, rent, a job,preparing my own meals ( cause heaven knows you can't eat out every meal, every day). I wasn't proud anymore. I was struggling.

I found the only person(outside my parents & siblings) I feel truly understands & loves every aspect of ME! Which is a miracle in its own. It's not easy living with me..

I always knew I was going to have babies. I grew up taking care of my baby sister & brother & babysitting. I went to college & found a job with kids... I love them! Other people's kids...


Now PLEASE don't take that outta context!

I love my kids & I will do ANYTHING in my power for them.
I just never knew the way my thinking & hormones would become so different after having them. I also never thought I would be the one to be on the "crazy pill". It just wasn't in my cards... Or so I thought.

So am I an advocate or a hypocrite?

I try to avoid the fact I'm on my meds. I don't talk about it. Or I laugh it off & make it seem like it's joke.

The sad truth is it's not a joke. I have had a problem coming to terms with it since Carter. Some of it comes from moving away from my mom shortly after having him, but to look on the bright side I moved within 20 minutes of my sweet angel Grandma! My papa, aunts & uncle were right there to help at a whim! It's not like I moved three states away with no help. Nonetheless it must had hit me hard, or now that I think about it that was a HARD, TOUGH, HEARTBREAKING reality check when I realized my grandma was in serious pain. She was dying & there was nothing anyone could do. I spent one year with her, Going every day that she felt ok for company. I miss her. She was one of my best friends & biggest supporters.

Is that why I started to feel so down about things? I know one thing is that is WHEN it started. & it has gotten worse since having a baby become a NICU graduate. I know there could be worse & that little teething, screaming, drool monster could have had a total different outcome with his life. But to say it has been easy for us since his diabetes went away would be a complete lie. I haven't experienced a colicky & demanding child until Peyt. & I feel like a brand new mom when I do most things with him. Life is & always will be a harsh reality.

I wake up, get outta bed & live because of those 3 cute little faces I wake up to everyday. I do the things a regular stay at home mom does.

But it's not who I am. I have post partum depression that I feel has turned into post traumatic stress. I experience anxiety. I experience bouts of tears, bouts of anger, & as much as people don't think I do.. bouts of laughter. I do enjoy life.

It's just sometimes that depression sneaks up on me & pulls me back in. Slowly but surely. & when it pulls it doesn't let up.

So the answer to the question... advocate or hypocrite?

Hypocrite...
I choose to avoid it. I choose to ignore it. & I choose to receive the consequences for it.

What do I want to be?

Advocate...
I want to help others. I want to live knowing others like me. I want people to know they don't have to be alone. & I want to lean on others who KNOW what I'm feeling. I know it's the right thing to do. Seek help & let others help me sort this out.

That does not always mean it's easy.

• A New Change •

I have been going crazy the last few weeks. You know when your sitting in Sunday school when your teacher tells you... If you have a prompting to do something, Just Do It!!!

Well I DiD!!

I have been toying around with the thought of school for a long time now. I just couldn't decide where I wanted to go or what I wanted to do.

When I attended ISU I worked at TLC Day Care! I loved it. From that moment I knew I wanted to own one someday! I love kids & I think it would be so fun to have my own daycare!

I also have been struggling with not helping our family financially. I totally understand that Business Management is gonna take a bit of time. I can look towards 4 years & know that I could be graduating with a Bachelor of Science in Business Management.

This could do wonders for my self- esteem. If you know me at all, you know that I'm very insecure with everything. I am a people pleaser, even if it means I'm not the happiest, I'll do it!

I'm the happiest when I am doing something good for someone. Entrusting your children is not something to be taken lightly. I love that I live in a small town. Everyone knows everyone else & most are trustworthy! I worked with a lot of the kids who are now in Jr. high & high school, when I taught dance! I loved seeing their faces when they were doing what they loved!

So now it becomes a waiting game to see if I have been accepted & can get this school thing started!!

Wish me luck!!

• I'm Just Like My Husband •

I'm not joking... It's serious. I always figured I was kind of a girly girl. I loved to dance, I never went anywhere without my make up & hair done & I showered every day just to shave my legs. I understand 10% of how they think & act now!!

I will do gross things!
Before the boys could lay on the floor or sit in the jumper, I made sure I had the floor vacuumed & the jumper wiped down. If they barely spit up on anything, it was taken off & washed immediately. Seriously, you try having 4 boys & keeping everything spic & span. It doesn't work. I have caught puke in my hands only to have it end up in my hair. I have cloroxed the bathtub after my 2 year old makes himself good & comfy to poop. I touch wet sheets after they've been peed on. & I just throw the blanket, with who knows what on it, in the washer & don't think twice. The boys can seriously come in with the dirtiest faces & hands & I just put them in the tub.

I can get ready in 15 minutes!
High School was a time when I felt like I needed to have my hair done & make up on no matter what. When I had Carter I was still working for the first 5 months. I was still in the makeup & hair routine. Once we moved to Utah & my husband started night shifts I learned how to get ready in 15 minutes before the baby cried. My hair became straight & flat to my head...no more poofs... & my makeup consisted of pretty close to nothing. Thank goodness I was blessed with decent skin. Now life consists of me getting myself & all 4 kids ready in 30 minutes & waitin on dad in the car!

I now suck at listening!
When one of my friends needed to talk pre-family life, I was right there with listening ears. I can NOT talk on the phone to ANYONE without kids interrupting, the baby screaming, or the dogs barking at someone driving by. It's ridiculous. The kids ask me for something & they have to repeat themselves 2 or 3 times before one of the other kids will be quiet enough for me to hear.

I replaced foreplay with “After Sleep"!
Seriously I'm sure it's a TMI. So sorry... But our 4 year old hasn't slept good since we moved to Utah. He was up with night terrors constantly. & now our 2 year old is having them. Peyton is a very alert sleeper. A creek in the floor will wake him up easily. We have a time window that has to be met fast! I would rather get to it & have some good ol after sleep. Preferably on my belly & no snuggles. I get to hot & my husband snores!

•Peyton is 6 Months•

Weight:: 14 lbs 14 oz (8%)
Length:: 25 in (6%)
Head Circumference:: 25 (20%)

•he rolls from his back to belly
•grabs for his toys
•loves Seeing people he recognizes
•supported sitter
•sleeps 9 pm- 6 am

• Hard Pill To Swallow •

This has been something that I have thought about writing for a long time.

It's not uncommon, but it's a judged subject.

PTSD from having a baby in the NICU is getting more and more common. Anxiety is also a result from a stay.

I remember so vividly everything that happened from February 8- April 22. I am an emotional person. I cry, I scream & I get upset very easily. While Peyton was in Primary's I only cried twice. I never left him & cried & it was questioned a lot.

I can't tell you why I never cried & I will probably never know.

Peyton has been insulin free for 2.5 months. The last 2 months has been constant worry & high anxiety that his diabetes will come back sooner than expected. At his 4 month checkup I worried his sugars would spike from his fever. Of course it hasn't & hopefully it doesn't until 14ish.

At night sometimes I wake up in a panic from dreams that take me back to the morning of Peyton's birth when Trev comes in to tell me that he's only 3 lbs 15 oz. People would say that might be normal & it's ok. It's not ok when your mind throws a curve ball & you also hear him saying they don't expect him to make it through the night...

I panic, wake up in a sweat & have to get up in the middle of the night to check on him & remember that he's ok.

I hear the monitors all the time & my heart rate palpitates when I flashback to the night that his numbers kept rising & we couldn't figure out what was wrong. He stopped breathing twice & I so clearly remember his nurse calling me to tell me his sugars were higher & oxygen had to go on. When we came home with him, he was still gasping when he would go into a deep sleep. I think that's where some of the anxiety roots from.

I recently went to my doctor, who is also a member of my ward bishopric & a very close family friend, to discuss what I was experiencing. I had post partum depression with Carter & Wyatt as well. I fully expected it & My family knew what to watch for after Peyton. Little did I, or anyone else, know how bad it would get.

No I'm not so depressed that I'm buried in the corner afraid of the public eyes, but I do have a hard time being around a lot of people & loudness. I know some of that is because Peyton is still not used to loud noises. His tiny ears lived in the quietness of the NICU for 73 days. When he cries, I get anxious when I can't console him right away. My husband has been such a lifesaver for me. He knows exactly what to watch for when I'm getting overwhelmed. He jumps in & helps in any way possible.

We decided I needed some Xanax for those touchy moments.

Sometimes I feel like it's the worst thing ever that I can't take care of my own kids.... but then I also remember

God gives you what you can handle & when you see your way to him the blessings fall on you & your family.




I'm a work in progress & I'm proud to say that I have come to terms with myself & my head. I know I have some hard work to do, but I have so much help & support.

I have to take care of myself before I can take care of these sweethearts.

• Family Night •

We decided to start doing a family night once a week. Not necessarily on Monday, just once a week. We chose to go fishing tonight!! It started out fun....













Wyatt was the only one who caught anything! A small bass! He was totally thrilled with himself!!
















We packed a picnic dinner & fished for about an hour & a half. It ended with a sad 4 yr old who caught no fish & a sad baby P who was hungry.

•Peyton Is 4 Months Old•

Weight: 10 lbs 8 oz
Height: 22.5 in

Peyton is doing so good!

*He is 3 weeks of no insulin. I am so relieved!

*He still has night time colic & refuses to eat luke warm bottles. They must be as warm as you can get without burning him!

*He lays on his side but just can't quite get the extra push to get his belly.

*Speaking of his belly, dislikes tummy time any longer than 5-10 minutes.

*Tried rice for the first time & he likes it but isn't quite sure what to do with his tongue!



*He is starting to recognize familiar faces & gives thee biggest smiles when he knows who it is!

*Sat upright in his jumper for 20 minutes twice so far. He is so strong!



*Loves to snuggle things while he sleeps. A fabulous friend did a Scentsy fundraiser for us & she gave Peyton a Scentsy buddy! His name is Rowan the Raccoon & Peyt loves him!

•Why I had to say goodbye to Facebook•

Not just see ya later... Not just oh I need a break. Like I LITERALLY deleted my account.

I know this post with offend some people... Welp,, I'm me & if you don't like my blunt honesty, were/are we really that great of friends?

Facebook used to be fun for me. It used to be a good way of keeping up with people from school or other meetings here, there & everywhere. I loved seeing what everyone was up to, it soon turned into 1) what everyone was eating 2) what day everyone worked out & how they did it 3) & now it's all about fitness challenge & 21 day fixes. I'm sorry but I feel very annoyed & pushed away because of it. Now I know it's a great way to get things recognized & lots of people on board with what's going on. Don't get me wrong, it got Peyt's through his stay at PCMC. We were extremely blessed.


I also found it very addicting. I have 4 (5) (if ya count the hubby!) boys that vie for my attention constantly, Facebook & being nosy took my time for them. It's so easy to get drawn into what someone says on there.


Negativity was at it's highest, I feel like. Not only the post updates, but on the yard sale pages. Yes I was guilty of stalking that page, but the way people acted if they didn't get something or if someone was selling an animal. Are you kidding me? It's not their life story, if they can't keep their pets at least they are giving them a new, loving home & not abandoning on the side of the road. People are just to chicken to say it to faces & they take to social media to hide. I stayed positive throughout our trials by staying off Facebook. I shared pictures & updates on my Instagram & blog, then linked to FB through it, rarely checked FB.

It's just not the fun, love seeing new updates & pictures Facebook anymore. So Goodbye time consuming, negative, stalking tool of the world. I have better things to do.

•Could We Really Be Done?•

We met with Dr. Clements & got some of the best news!

We are 6 days free of insulin. I am so ecstatic & proud of my fighter! It's like we have a normal baby! I still have to check him in the mornings & when he gets sick just to make sure that insulin isn't necessary.

I have been looking forward to this for months....

See ya later Diabetes...we'll meet again in about 12-14 years!!

•More Hormonal Than A Woman•

Yeah that's right I honestly am so confused & annoyed by diabetes.

Peyton has been home for one whole month & up until last Thursday it had been relatively easy. No lows & 2 highs!! Then we just HAD to go to the Dr. Peyton was not circumcised until now because Primary's wouldn't do that procedure. He had been really fussy during the day, which is not like him. I had Dr. Hardin check his ears & he had a right ear infection & the left was starting as well. I was so sad that I let this tiny guy get ear infections. So we started an antibiotic for that & Tylenol for his circumcision. I knew he would be high because of the sickness & the medicine but I didn't realize how high.

Before Peyt got sick he was off insulin for 3 days. I was ecstatic thinking that we were done & his little pancreas was kicking in. It must not have been functioning well enough to withstand sicknesses. We started back on his Lantus (long acting) at night time. So far he has been on it for 7 days. The 8th day (yesterday) I talked with his diabetes nurse & because his sugars had been between 72-140 she felt it was to low for him. We are 24 hours without insulin now & doing great!

This continues to be a rollercoaster. Peyt is a trooper. He is so strong & continues to amaze me.

•My Life Is Nothing Short Of Crazy & Hectic...•

But... Everytime I post a new blog I don't want it to be about Peyton & Diabetes all the time, I don't want posts to only happen when we do something as a family, I want to try & post different things about everyone in our family. So I've been playing on Pinterest & finding some fun blog promps, while watching the season premiere of The Bachelorette!!! (Love Andi BTW) so once I figure out how to go about this new posts will be made!!!!


Trev Ky Kam Carter Wyatt & Peyton

•Tender Mercies & Our Struggles•

David A. Bednar hit it right on the head. Peyton is a miracle! I have said it before & I will say it a million times. That poor baby was barely surviving in my belly. It breaks my heart to admit that to a family member let alone the whole blogging world. He is one of my tender mercies. To the world he is a rare baby who has a condition not known to many, to me he is my lifesaver & miracle. He was sent to us to teach us as his parents to love more, live fully & forget the small problems. I, as his mommy & main caregiver was taught how to take care of him. That's a lot of organization. If you know me at all, I am anything but organized. I forget a lot of things, I put things in a spot I promise to remember & forget where that spot was. I am NOT a perfect mom. I could sit here & give you a bullet point list of all the things I do wrong on a daily basis..... but I'm not going to. Peyt was sent to me to tell me that I was special enough to God to be rewarded with this special & loving baby who needed to be taken care of in just a way that I could. On one of my blog posts comments a person I admire more than they know said this to me,

"These experiences change us and you will see the world from a different perspective because of it. But most of all, we are learning the lessons that God wants us to learn. Rejoice in the small victories, things that mean very little to mothers of "normal" kids are a huge deal to us parents to have kids with issues. And most of all, consider yourself privileged that God held you and Trevor in such high esteem that he was willing to entrust one of his most special children with you. You are now a member of a very "elite" club, which comes with a high price, but with unimaginable blessings! Let me be the first to welcome you :) I know you will find that happy place...just give it some time."

I will hold those words close to my heart forever!! When I heard these words I thought to myself how strong I needed to be not only for myself, but for my family & most importantly for Peyton. It is definitely no joke that babies feed off negativity. Once I realized that I needed to change my "poor pity me" attitude, Peyton started to drastically get better. He was gaining weight faster, eating better, & reacting to his meds better. Positivity is everything in the NICU even though it's one of the most depressing places. We received so much help from our friends, money, clothes for Peyton, & most of all the love, faith & prayers from everyone. It made Peyton's 73 day stay at PCMC a little less stressful. Never once did I feel like it wasn't going to be ok. Every night I would pray that Peyt would stay stable, my other boys would know how much we loved them but needed to be with Peyton as much as we could & that we, as husband & wife, could stay strong together. Yes Peyton had his daily struggles, as did Trev & I but we made it! We are home & we are happy!

There comes a time when those happy moments can turn into the hardest times & hard to get through. Having a newborn is never easy...for anyone. Having a newborn with diabetes seems to me, just a little harder. Some nights I would put Peyton to sleep with his sugars in the 80's, that makes me so nervous. It doesn't seem low but I give him insulin at night sometimes that kicks in & he drops. We can correct highs, lows can be life-threatening. I have never understood a diabetics mind with lows until now. Sugars can be so up & down & you just never know what you can wake up to. It is a constant worry. On the 11th we withheld his Lantus. For three days Peyton stayed stable & in a good range. The morning of the 15th I had such a pit in my stomach. Peyton had been extremely fussy the night before his dr.'s appointment & I chalked it up to colic because I had checked him & he was in good range. I told his pediatrician how fussy he had been, he did a quick check up & confirmed we had an ear infection in the right ear & an infection starting in the left. MOM FAIL. Seriously my baby who already goes through so much has to be circumcised & start antibiotics for ear infections. So that night his sugars rose to 266. Not to high but enough to get his Humalog (fast acting) & make him feel a little better. You never realize the sugars unless you are a die hard fitness guru or your a diabetics parent. We all knew he would soar high with the meds. It's still stressful even if you foresee it happening. This week has been one of my toughest mommy weeks. Peyton has been non stop crying, the boys don't understand he gets sad when they are loud & Trevor is on night shift. It is so hard to contain & shush my kid until he wakes up. I have never had such a fussy baby. I haven't done laundry, dishes have piled more than once & I'm lucky if I get in the shower or dressed for the day. Life is not a cup of tea. Life is hard. Life knocks you down sometimes. God is bigger. He has so many plans for our family & we have so many blessings to be so extremely thankful for!!!
Trev Ky Kam Carter Wyatt & Peyton

•Our Family Is Whole Again!•

I know everyone knows that Peyt came home on April 22,2014! It was one of the most exciting days of my mommy life!



My goal the whole time he was in the hospital was that he would come home on or before my birthday! 2 days after isn't to far off.

It seemed like forever as we waited for the hearing screen to be done, it was the only thing stopping us from going home early afternoon. She was a busy lady! As soon as we got home, my cute little Carter instantly fell in even more love with Peyt!



He has been such an amazing help with his younger brothers!

Kam got to meet him for the very first time as well that following weekend!



Eventually Wyatt & Kas decided that since Peyton wasn't going anywhere, they would like him too!!







Another favorite visitor we've had for a Peyton is Makenna!! They're D-friends (diabetic)! She made him a super cute zebra blanket!!




He is such a happy little boy!! I love his grins & how happy he gets to see my face!!!






Trev Ky Kam Carter Wyatt & Peyton

•The End Is Near•

He received his immunizations at Primary's. He weighed 7 lbs 11 oz!

I have hesitated putting this out for the Facebook world, but Peyton COULD be coming home within the next week!!! Eeeekkk...

He has been doing so good on his insulin injections & we took his PICC Line out while we were there last Tuesday!


I had almost forgotten how to dress him with both sleeves!! It's so amazing to see him without all the stupid wires.

He is eating at least 57% of his feeds! He is on his 2nd round of thrush & it's very painful. It's harder for him to eat, but he is pulling through!!

While Trev & I were there we met with a Diabetes nurse from the pediatric unit. I understood so much more after her explanations!

We also got our glucometer so we got to start practicing with that! We learned how to draw up his insulin & where to give the injections!


It's going to be a rough start learning a new routine for us, but we have made it this far!! We can do it!!










Trev Ky Kam Carter Wyatt & Peyton